Posts tagged ‘Bipolar’

January 6, 2012

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 18

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

J.Miz: Making the seatbelt look sexy since 2011.

  • I want my new nickname to be SAUCE! S’up SAUCE? How you livin SAUCE?! You’re looking hot SAUCE!!!!
  • Our three cats keep sitting in triangle formation. What’s weirder , them lining up like that or the centaur that always appears in the middle?
  • What if it turns out 12/21/12 is actually the day Maya Angelou is supposed to die? Oprah will be PISSED!
  • The saying goes, “The best things in life are free.” But so are the worst. Like AIDS.
  • I think I was just asked out on a blind date online. But the email was in Braille, so I’m not sure.
  • The best thing about bipolar disorder is realizing you don’t need those meds anymore. Because you are FUCKING AWESOME!
  • When somebody tells me they suck at life, to the point of several suicide attempts, I feel so bad. That they suck at suicide too.
  • I am now at the age where I grunt anytime I have to bend over, not just during sex.
  • Some women think they’re cut out for motherhood, but in reality they barely pull off mother trailer park.
  • Have you ever heard tribal drums only to realize it’s your ceiling fan? #Reasons INeverTriedAcid
  • Thanks to my Advanced Task Manager, I can KILL the Messenger whenever I fucking feel like it!
  • I once had an affair with my boss. That was a totally awkward situation. For a family business.
  • White chocolate has always irked me. Not only is it gross, it’s kinda racist. Regular chocolate doesn’t remind people it’s brown.
  • The upside to being back in the dating game is that I no longer feel that terrible emptiness. In my vagina.
  • I think it’s funny when fat people jokingly call themselves fat, so I tell them they’re funny. But I don’t say they’re not fat.
  • Just ONCE, during sex, I’d like to be told, “Don’t make me turn this thing around!” And then totally make him.
  • I’ve always said that one day I would adopt. I want to show a child that I am capable of great love. Not just kidnapping.
  • I lick my phone off to clean it. Don’t get any bright ideas, dirty penises of the world.
  • To show support of my boyfriend’s busy career and still being able to spend time together, I’ve been going over to his place. To buy my drugs.
  • A slight tweak has my boyfriend and I enjoying simultaneous orgasms. The trick is to totally sync up our cheating.
  • The fact that men fake orgasms shouldn’t be surprising. They fake love and monogamy all the time.
  • I like my men cocky and my ladies perky.
  • Vacuuming is my favorite household chore. I prefer my house pets on the verge of a coronary. They’re cuter like that.
  • I’m so hungry I could eat my twin.
  • I’ll I’ve had to eat today is candy and bread. I feel like a pigeon.
  • My phone treats me like it doesn’t know me. It can always predict me typing YouTube, but never foresees “pussy,” “cunt” or “fuck.”
  • If it weren’t for nightmares and the excessive amount of premature stock I place on brand new relationships, I’d NEVER have dreams.
  • Toolbar: Any athletics themed, suburban tavern that has a DJ.
  • If I rolled around with a jacked, strong, well oiled man for 10 minutes, I’D HAVE to fuck somebody. That’s just logic.
  • Thank God you can’t get keyboards pregnant, or I’d have kids ALL OVER the Internet.
  • I wonder how many people’s lives have been ruined by the fucks on Yahoo! Answers.
  • Men are enigmas, puzzles of sorts. I always pick the complicated ones, with thousands of pieces. And one piece is inevitably missing.
  • I have a cheapie lighter that makes me feel like a crack head. I have to keep lighting and lighting and lighting it. Under this foil.
  • I love iTunes. It knows all my favourite songs.
  • I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he was ignoring me. He didn’t get back to me.
  • I’ve decided that I am not going to date anyone SERIOUSLY any time soon. Why start now?!
January 9, 2011

Quackery

by Vicki Sauseda

I suffer from bipolar disorder. No, jackass, that doesn’t mean I find both girls and guys sexually attractive. Every once in awhile my brain engages in a great suicide debate, and when it does, I go to the hospital.

At the first Group Time – mind out of the gutter children –  during my last stay in the hospital, I was shocked and disgusted. Why? A HUGE poster was hanging on the wall: Dr. Phil’s Rules of Living. What? I’m trusting my fragile mental state with people who are following Dr. Phil McQuack’s advice? Does Jerry Springer do their relationship counseling class?

I could go on and on about how much the poster bothered me, but I’m sure you can come up with your own reasons why bipolars, schizophrenics, the depressed, and so on, need better care/advice than Dr. Phil. His number one rule: Either you get it, or you don’t. Apparently, I fall into the latter category. I found humor and a snippet of comfort in that.