All The Small Things

by J. Miz

My best friend has been obsessed with having sex with a male midget human since she heard their “junk” is “normal” sized. It isn’t enough for her to have a Mardi Gras style flashing situation, the little dude HAS to enter her. Who am I to judge, I’ve fucked an amputee for the hash mark. The whole concept – when revealed – threw me into a tizzy of hopes and planning:

“So do you want him be all missionary so you can see if you can spin him like a top, ala Tucker Max?!?”

“You know it’d be like an instant boob job as soon as he touched your titties. Your tits would look HUGE.”

“In fact, I’d have him rub on my butt so I could feel like J-LO… badonkadonk!”

“Are midgets really small or are they just far away?”

“Objects in mirror aren’t smaller than they appear… THEY’RE MOTHERFUCKING MIDGETS!”

“I’d only feed him ‘fun-sized’ things or stuff from hotel room service so it’d be to scale and shit.”

“I bet he’d have a car with those block pedals! Or even better! He’d drive with some special shit on his steering column.”

“He’d have to roll with that stick thing to wipe his ass and tie his shoes.”

“Could we get him and like 50 friends to pack inside of his smart car?! Then have them spill out to ‘Entrance of the Gladiators?!”

“Promise me if you ever do fuck a midget, you’ll date him long enough to see his place. Then you have to invite me over. When I get there I’m springing into action! Imma fuck up all his tiny ass furniture GOJIRA style! GOJIRA! That would be SO fucking awesome!”

3 Comments to “All The Small Things”

  1. I have always wanted to hook up with a blind gal for awhile. That way whenever she pisses me off I can rearrange everything in her house

  2. This is one of my favorite things you’ve written so far, J. Miz.

  3. woo said my final title choice was good “since it covers a lot of tiny jokes.”

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