Posts tagged ‘War On Christmas’

May 29, 2011

Christians-Only Restrooms

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"What's my crime?" "You wished me 'Happy Holidays,' heathen!"

Is it me, or does everyone want to have a hard luck story? “Growing up was so hard. We only had one car, and mom and dad couldn’t go on vacations, and I had to babysit my kid sister when I was 13.” “Life is so hard being slightly overweight.” “Life is so hard being a white male because of affirmative action.” “Life is hard because I have ADHD.” EMOOOOOOOO!!!

The big one I’m not understanding is Christians who claim they are persecuted in America. Really, isn’t the statistic that three out of every four Americans are Christians in this country? There are 305 million people in America, so that means there are 224.75 million Christians outnumbering the remaining 80.25 million. And they feel discriminated against? I haven’t seen a Christian-only bathroom or water fountain. People don’t yell at you for praying in public. In fact, breast feeding in public is more looked down upon than praying. If you wear a crucifix around your neck, no one will tell you to take it off.

So is it the media? Does it mess with freedom of religion? True, sex and violence run rampant on television, but do they purposely attack Christianity in the media? In horror movies, Catholic church scandals and Tim Curry in Disney’s The Three Musketeers? In the science of Jurassic Park, maybe? Feel free to add any other titles you can think of.

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May 14, 2011

The Day After ‘Judgment Day’

"And what a lovely singing voice you must have..."

by MICHELLE DEE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

I have seen a lot of hoopla about Judgment Day approaching on 5/21, and it got me thinking, What would happen if all the world’s true believers disappeared on this day? Lucky for me, I’d be around to see it!

Everyone knows I’d miss the Rapture, but there’d be some surprise heathens in my midst — President Obama and the entire on-air team at Fox News. I’m pretty sure Obama is a closeted atheist, because what Christian fights for the right of those with no religion? And the Fox News team pretends to be extreme right-wing, but it’s an obviously an act for ratings.  They would be left behind in the Judgment Day disappearances, but their viewership would vanish from existence.

The only “crazy conservatives” in the public eye who truly believe the diarrhea coming out of their mouths are Fred “God Hates Everyone But Us” Phelps and his family. They would be taken in the 5/21 Rapture. Sure, they rub many of us the wrong way, but they are true overachievers for Jesus.

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December 7, 2010

The 12 Don’ts of Christmas

by MICHELLE DEE and WOO

Do you have holiday pet peeves? Aside from the term “pet peeve” itself, I mean? I’m sure we all do, and here we have decided to take note of a few for you. Perhaps you are one of the offenders. Please, take our advice, and correct your behaviors. We have a PhD In Christmas, after all.

1. Save the bow if you must, but wrapping paper is meant to be ripped open. Don’t sit there and have a 20 minute conversation with everyone waiting while you try to pry off the scotch tape. Seriously Grandma, this one is for you. Stop denying it now!

2. Always bring the hostess a gift, but not cheese balls/logs. If everyone brings cheese balls the rest will go spoiled before the first one is ever used. I think we all can relate to spoiled cheesy balls. Oh yes you can, go take a shower! How about your bring Wine instead. Wine is better with age, and your family is more acceptable when you’re sloshed.

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