Posts tagged ‘Allison Stein’

August 23, 2011

Know Your WNFer

by ANDREW HICKS

Image by Eric Dohman.

We’re closing in on our 250th post, with 9+ months of near-daily fresh comedy under our collective belt. And now we finally own WereNotFunny.com, for at least the next year or two. So what better time to acquaint yourself with the WNF Crew? In-depth individual profiles and a multipart Ken Burns PBS documentary to follow.

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WE’RE NOT FUNNY STAFF LIST

ANDREW HICKS — Editor-in-Chief/Co-Founder

It’s not so weird that I’m writing about myself right now. I’ve been writing about myself online in one form or another since 1995. I blogged the Year in the Life of a Nerd journals before the term “blogger” existed. Then I went and got drunk for like 10 years. Then I went and met my beautiful wife and had a couple beautiful kids. Got sober, started writing again and, for the first time, got myself an ensemble of Midwest comics, essayists and regular old bantering friends and friends of friends. Started organizing and editing our various words and ideas into blog posts.

REQUIRED READING: Love Letter to Phil Collins

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T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER — Associate Editor/Co-Founder

T. Allan, to quote the Wu Tang Clan, is “the Osiris of this shit.” No sooner had I said, “I wonder if we could get some people together and start a site where we post daily solo pieces or group conversation highlightsor whatever the F we want,” than TAC set about getting a site up and running, for us to play around with. T. Allan is an active administrative and creative presence in our Facebook material-gathering groups, he takes care of a post or two a week for me, and every now and then we get him to write us a full solo piece, when he’s not busy working on this blog or this blog. As an aside, T. Allan Christopher has formerly written under the pseudonym Woo.

REQUIRED READING: Haiku News

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J.MIZ — Creative Coordinator/Co-Founder

I’d been on Facebook for about two months when I noticed J.Miz leaving astoundingly funny top-of-her-head comments on a mutual friend’s statuses. I sent her a friend request, we started bantering, and immediately there was a symbiosis of humor, mischievous fun and shared cultural references. Facebook got five times more entertaining when I met J.Miz. Once Woo, J.Miz and I got together, the comic chemistry was intense and immediate. Keep in mind, J.Miz had never considered writing comedy or really thought she was funny. Now she constructs and spits out jokes like a one-woman one-liner factory on Twitter. She’s given our writing group all kinds of concepts and premises to work from, and she’s helped me out of more than one creative jam. J.Miz has also brought WNF a healthy handful of like-minded contributors, and she’s proven effective at squeezing solo pieces out of existing contributors.

REQUIRED READING: WTF Facebook Friends

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TONY FYLER — Twitter Editor/Senior Contributor

Fyler is a fiercely intelligent, incisively witty writer from Great Britain or Wales or Ireland or something. His areas of interest include politics, theology (particularly, lack of) and the occasional off-the-wall food, sex or miscellaneous sociological joke. Oh, and he also fronted the money for our WereNotFunny.com domain, after I procrastinated and made excuses about being broke. Fyler’s not getting a penny of that $19 back, either.

REQUIRED READING: Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

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MICHELLE DEE — Facebook Fan Page Editor/Senior Contributor

Mrs. Woo has been around since the beginning and has possibly posted more WNF links to Facebook than anyone on this list. Around 28 percent of times the “share” button is clicked on Facebook, Michelle Dee is the culprit. Michelle recruited WNF staple contributors Fyler, Allison Stein and Eve Ventrella. She also runs our Facebook fan page, so next time you see the word “afraid” spelled with two F’s in your news feed, address your letter of complaint to Michelle Dee. Who will write you back within three business days with the one-word response, “Haytchoo” and an ASCII-text middle finger.

ಠ_ಠ

Required Reading: Possession 101

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ERIC DOHMAN — Senior Contributor

Dohman distinguished himself in the WNF group immediately upon being discovered and added by J.Miz. Not everyone knows how to take Eric, and others think he traffics too heavily in dick and poop jokes. To me, Dohman is a solid, insightful, even innovative comic voice on most every topic he touches. High brow, medium brow, low brow and lower brow. Dohman also has graphic skills and has come through with the (still too few) image assignments we’ve given him. “But Andrew,” you say, “I thought you steal all your art straight from Google Image.” Well, that’s mostly true, but we’re gonna lean on Dohman more and more heavily in the very near future. He just doesn’t know it yet.

REQUIRED READING: Santorum Shit Bags

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ANNE GARDNER — Senior Contributor

Anne is a lady whose path I crossed briefly at the age of 18 and reunited with thanks to the magic of Facebook. She’d leave a sarcastic comment here or there on my statuses, and when WNF came into being, I invited her into the group. A.G. has maintained a presence ever since, contributing one-liners to group pieces and writing her own solo articles. And she has an infant at home and everything.

REQUIRED READING: Facebook-Baked Glee

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ERTEL GRAY — Senior Contributor

I found Ertel via Facebook one day while bored and searching for an old Dana Carvey SNL sketch called “Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual.” Ertel had posted the video on his wall at some point. I friended him on the basis of that alone, but I had no idea how completely and instantaneously Ertel would fit in with the WNF Crew. Funny dude, Ertel Gray, and I think he knows even more obscure ’80s and ’90s pop culture than even I do.

REQUIRED READING: Reg Strikes Back

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PAUL LAO — Senior Contributor

Paul lives in California, so we almost always publish whatever he sends us.

REQUIRED READING: 9 Demons of the College House Party

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There are a dozen other current contributors I rely on for material. Many of them are Illinois comedians — Andrew Cline, C.J. Dodd, James Draper, Scotty Harris, Ryan Krause, Probably Matt Linville, K.B. Marion, Drift Roberts, Saracakes (who also spent many hours legitimizing WNF’s Twitter feed) and Emily Toops. Another, Lola Tucker, joined our ranks after reading and enjoying the WNF blog.

Two others — Buddah Eskew and Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter — are no longer writing for We’re Not Funny but have some great stuff scattered throughout our archives. I also want to thank Saracakes for her many hours of work editing and posting to our Twitter feed.

I want to thank everyone mentioned above for loaning us some of their time and creativity. And thank YOU for reading.

July 7, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Song That Would Play As You Stepped Up To a Major League Batter’s Box

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 17
SONG THAT WOULD PLAY AS YOU STEPPED UP TO A MAJOR LEAGUE BATTER’S BOX

"Mark McGwire likes Guns 'N Roses. You will play some Guns 'N Roses for Mark McGwire NOOOWWWWWWW!!!!"

JESSICA STIMSON
Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Linda Ronstadt. I could be totally wrong on the artist. My apologies if I am.

DRIFT ROBERTS
Pat Benatar. Have that one on vinyl. I may secretly be 44 years old.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Gotta be Big Pun‘s “Still Not a Player.” (“I’m not a playa, I just crush a lot.”) Big Pun was my favorite 700-pound rapper of all times. I’m not slight of build, but damn, that guy was a fat motherfucker. When you’re outfitting your living room with cargo-type doors and having furniture specially made, I would think a person might say to him/herself, “Maybe it’s time for a salad.”

WOO
“Ready or Not,” The Fugees.

MICHELLE DEE
Woo lies. I see him walking up to bat with Rick Ross‘s “Hustlin'” playing. Then proceeding to dry hump the catcher, Kat Williams-style.

WOO
Holy shit, I forgot about “Hustlin'”! What’s wrong with me? I CALL REDO. “Hustlin'” it is!

EMILY TOOPS
LL Cool J, ‎”Mama Said Knock You Out.” It’s also my hypothetical WWE ring entrance music.

SCOTTY HARRIS
As someone who thinks baseball is the worst thing on the planet, I think I would have to play any song that might get people to quit paying to watch this horrible sport and indirectly signing million dollar contracts for people to hit a fucking ball. I hate all professional sports, but at least in football you run the risk of getting paralyzed for being such a douche to begin with. So, maybe a two-hour loop of Michael Richards‘ meltdown. Backed with the “Barney” theme song. With vocals by Yoko Ono. And William Hung.

J.MIZ
I’m with Scotty. I’d write my own song called “SOMEBODY HELP! WTF AM I DOING HERE?! UNLESS I’M ON A SHIT-TON OF ACID, THEN I’LL PITCH A NO HITTER.”

ALLISON STEIN
“Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns ‘N Roses. (“You’re in the jungle baby! / I wanna watch you bleed!”)

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Yup, that was Mark McGwire‘s at-bat music whilst he played for the Cardinals.

ALLISON STEIN
I attribute that song choice to possible ‘roid rage: “Hey Mark, what song would you like to be played as you come up to the batter’s box?” “I want ‘Welcome to Jungle.'” Then he plays some ferocious air guitar and beats the shit out of some poor teammate.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
When Matt Morris was a Cardinal, he would come out to Phish‘s “Weekapaug Groove.” The idea that he might be playing baked always made me smile.

RYAN KRAUSE
Jumbo Shrimp, “Fuck Your Shit Up.” I only am called to the plate when they need a “game changer,” and that song definitely is a game changer!

June 26, 2011

Dear 16-Year-Old Self

by ALLISON STEIN and THE WOMEN OF WNF
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Dear 16-year-old self: You're gonna grow up to be Demi Moore in overalls.

Dear 16-year-old self:

  • Your brother’s obsession with hand lotion is NOT because he has dry skin.
  • Just because you don’t have boobs yet doesn’t mean that you wont have D’s later on in life. But your boyfriend who told you, in the back seat of his mom’s car, that his small penis is going to “get bigger” when he reaches full-on adulthood… well, that kid is sadly mistaken.
  • Penis is nothing to be afraid of. It is to be mastered and conquered, and with that comes immeasurable power.
  • Weed isn’t that bad, and your mom will never notice. Just try it.
  • You know how you wanted to get your period so you could be a real woman? Yeah, it sucks, don’t it?
    read more »

June 3, 2011

Dear Ex: Anonymous Kiss-Offs

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by ALLISON STEIN

Dear Ex: You were not as attractive as I led you to believe.

Dear Ex: Thanks for all the child support. You’re not her father.

Dear Ex: I feel like I can tell you now — you don’t have to pray about EVERYthing. Pretty sure you’ve got the green light from the Almighty if you wanna have a popsicle.

Dear Ex: I’d undercook your meat sometimes.

Dear Ex: I still laugh my ass off that the guy you married after me turned out to be huuuuuugely gay. Not mature, but funny as hell.

Dear Ex: Weekday daddy busted a jizzload on your side of the bed.

Dear Ex: I made out with your mom more than I made out with you. And she was better at it. But that’s no secret.

Dear Ex: Remember how I said you were the best sex I ever had? The only orgasms I ever had during our marriage were the ones I gave myself. Thanks for nothing. Love, Me.

Dear Ex: I could tell you were not a habitual marijuana smoker when we got high and you spent the next two hours scratching down your entire body while singing a song called “Itchy Time.”

Dear Ex: Your brother used to try to have sex with me every time you weren’t home.

Dear Ex: I find it completely hilarious that I actually slept with more women than you did, and they were better in bed.

Dear Ex: I still get good laughs telling people how, every time you saw a stray dog or cat walking on the side of the road, you would stop the car, pull over, throw open the passenger side door and yell, “Go home! Go home! Go home, doggy! You have a home! Go there and be safe!”

Dear Ex: Your mother doesn’t love you. She told me once she wished you’d never been born.

Dear Ex: We might have worked out if we hadn’t been so hopelessly incompatible in bed. We made the best of it, but in all fairness, your squeaking noises during sex ruined the mood. Also, it would have helped if your dick stayed hard the whole time.

Dear Ex: Dental hygiene is important. Brush up!

Dear Ex: I used your toothbrush to clean the sink. Every time.

Dear Ex: I fucked a random Italian man the night before our wedding.

Dear Ex: Your hair is not growing back in. Not even a little, so stop spending the equivalent of the national deficit on Rogaine. You’re fucking bald.

Dear Ex: Remember that night you were so drunk, but you swore we had sex? We didn’t. I had sex with your best friend. You watched from a chair in the corner, holding your dick in your hand.

Dear Ex: If I’d known when I left that you’d become an evangelical Christian… nah, screw it, I still would have left.

Dear Ex: I appreciate you staying in contact with me for seven or eight years after I broke up with you, saying you always wanted to be friends. I do find it curious, however, that since you’ve married that doctor, I haven’t heard a single word.

CONTRIBUTORS: Allison Stein, Lola Tucker, Andrew Hicks, J.Miz, Tony Fyler, Woo