Posts tagged ‘Technology’

September 27, 2011

How Not To Internet Date, 27 Sep 2011

AN ACTUAL ONLINE MATCHMAKING CONVERSATION BETWEEN MICHELLE DEE AND AN INDIAN NAMED SUDEEP

A middle-aged woman pretending to be a thirtysomething British man falls in love with a middle-aged black man pretending to be a young, foxy Jewish chick.

sudeep: hi
sudeep: how ru
MichelleDee: Hi! I’m Bart Simpson! Who the hell are you?
sudeep_mtec: where ru forom
sudeep_mtec: this is sudeep
MichelleDee: i don’t know sudeep
sudeep: ur soooooooooo beautiful
sudeep: plz rememeber me
MichelleDee: nope, no clue
sudeep: why ur hating food
MichelleDee: i dunno
sudeep: ur sooo beautiful friend
MichelleDee: thanks
sudeep: do u have web cam now
MichelleDee: yes
sudeep: can i see u on web cam friend’
MichelleDee: no
sudeep: ur soooo ooooooooooooooooooo cute friend
MichelleDee: so you said
sudeep: what do u do friend
MichelleDee: I DON’T cam with strange men
sudeep: i mean ur soooo beautiful
MichelleDee: ‘ya… you said that
sudeep: what do u do
sudeep: where ru from?
MichelleDee: You call me friend and you don’t know?
MichelleDee: shouldn’t a friend know things like that?
sudeep: give me ur phone number
MichelleDee: LOLz
MichelleDee: no
MichelleDee: who the hell are you?
sudeep: hello friend ur good name plz
MichelleDee: i’m not your friend
MichelleDee: I like to fart
sudeep: friend this is sudeep from india
MichelleDee: do you fart?
sudeep: no mam
MichelleDee: liar
MichelleDee: everyone farts
sudeep: noooo im not a liar promise
MichelleDee: but you are
MichelleDee: everyone farts
MichelleDee: if you eat… you fart
sudeep: before one year im chating
MichelleDee: I just farted
MichelleDee: it was loud
MichelleDee: scared my cat
sudeep: noo friend im not a lier im true friend
MichelleDee: do you fart?
sudeep: plz
MichelleDee: answer me
sudeep: no
MichelleDee: LIAR!
sudeep: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
MichelleDee: YES!
sudeep: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
MichelleDee: you eat do you not?
sudeep: noooooooooooooooooo im not a liat
sudeep: yes
sudeep: eat
MichelleDee: then your stomache produces gases that must then be released from your ass! EVERYONE FARTS!
MichelleDee: those who claim not to fart are LIARS!
sudeep: nooooooooooooooo friend im not aliar
MichelleDee: then you fart!
MichelleDee: TELL ME THE TRUTH!
sudeep: im ur friend that is true
MichelleDee: tell me you FART
sudeep: before one year im chating
MichelleDee: you are NOT my friend. you LIE!
sudeep: nooo mam im not a lier
MichelleDee: DO
MichelleDee: YOU
MichelleDee: FART?
sudeep: that is true”
sudeep: fart?
MichelleDee: yes!
MichelleDee: release gas from your rear end!
sudeep: noooooo
MichelleDee: LIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
sudeep: nio im not alier
MichelleDee: LIAR!
sudeep: u know im from india
MichelleDee: liar liar pants on fire cuz you FARTED and I lit that shit!

April 25, 2011

APPocalypse Now

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Separate issue: Does the easy availability of stock photographs from Google Image create laziness and unoriginality?

Imagine this scene — a family, all with individual gadgets, is at the dinner table. The father has the paper, the mother is looking at a television in the living room, the son is playing a Nintendo DS, and the daughter is texting her best friend. Lines are drawn, and as their heads move, the lines follow. No one is making eye contact.

And then something horrifying happens: a baby cries, and the mother nonchalantly walks into the bedroom where Shrek is rolling end credits, picks the baby up and brings little Timothy into the kitchen. She totally forgot him!

This is a nuclear family’s by-numbers delusional progress via “family time.” A boy who sleeps for 16 hours a day, never has had a girlfriend and never leaves the house. A girl who misses her soulmate because she is too busy texting her best friend about how horrible her day was, complaining that no one pays attention to her. A father who has had the same an office job for 17 years and never gotten a promotion because of his fear of responsibility. And a mother who does the bare minimum of parenting because her mother took care of the first two while she was in high school.

People, this is one of my greatest fears. We have reached an age in which iPhone applications fill the void of life but consume our ability to imagine.

read more »