Dear 16-Year-Old Self

edited by ANDREW HICKS

Dear 16-year-old self: You're gonna grow up to be Demi Moore in overalls.

Dear 16-year-old self:

  • Your brother’s obsession with hand lotion is NOT because he has dry skin.
  • Just because you don’t have boobs yet doesn’t mean that you wont have D’s later on in life. But your boyfriend who told you, in the back seat of his mom’s car, that his small penis is going to “get bigger” when he reaches full-on adulthood… well, that kid is sadly mistaken.
  • Penis is nothing to be afraid of. It is to be mastered and conquered, and with that comes immeasurable power.
  • Weed isn’t that bad, and your mom will never notice. Just try it.
  • You know how you wanted to get your period so you could be a real woman? Yeah, it sucks, don’t it?
  • You’re already good at blow jobs. But don’t waste them.
  • It’s not just a phase, and explaining it to your parents is gonna suck.
  • Don’t be shy about making out with black guys. You know you want to anyway.
  • Yes, that dude broke your hymen from making out. So your first time will ROCK!
  • The bad boy you brought home to get back at Daddy will make you do his homework and cheat on you with eight different girls because you won’t put out.
  • Most of the hot popular guys you think dig you actually do dig you, but its high school and theyre scared. Wait five years. You’ll see.
  • The guy you thought was “out of your league” is actually going to grow up to be a fat drunk who fucks goats. Quit being so hard on yourself.
  • Masturbation is normal and won’t make your vajayjay turn black and fall off. If so, ours would have been long gone by now.
  • Forgo the Christian-girl getup and have sex with that hot Mexican guy you go to church with. And the pastor’s son.
  • The guy that takes you on your first date will become an internationally known DJ. The girl he dumps you for, her boobs are gonna get gross and saggy, and she’s just gonna get old-as-fuck-looking. He’ll always stay in touch with you, so don’t cry so much… and he’s totally gonna take care of VIP, tables and bottle service even if you only talk one time a year. He’s good peeps.
  • Apply to the school in New York City, get a scholarship, and don’t listen to your mom.
  • Hold on to that confidence. Otherwise, you’re gonna be just like all those other insecure, anxiety-filled comedians.
  • Do exactly what you did. You will have a lot of amazing experiences, and even though there will be a LOT of shit to overcome, you will discover that you are incredibly strong.


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