The Day After ‘Judgment Day’

"And what a lovely singing voice you must have..."

by MICHELLE DEE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

I have seen a lot of hoopla about Judgment Day approaching on 5/21, and it got me thinking, What would happen if all the world’s true believers disappeared on this day? Lucky for me, I’d be around to see it!

Everyone knows I’d miss the Rapture, but there’d be some surprise heathens in my midst — President Obama and the entire on-air team at Fox News. I’m pretty sure Obama is a closeted atheist, because what Christian fights for the right of those with no religion? And the Fox News team pretends to be extreme right-wing, but it’s an obviously an act for ratings.  They would be left behind in the Judgment Day disappearances, but their viewership would vanish from existence.

The only “crazy conservatives” in the public eye who truly believe the diarrhea coming out of their mouths are Fred “God Hates Everyone But Us” Phelps and his family. They would be taken in the 5/21 Rapture. Sure, they rub many of us the wrong way, but they are true overachievers for Jesus.

I’m sure the Tea Partiers and the entire ranks of the Girl Scouts of America would also disappear into the night, leaving a hole in the American Spirit where our tea time and biscuits once existed.  Okay, maybe not all that, but I want my Thin Mints, dammit!  With the Girl Scouts gone, we’d need a new organization to take their place. I propose a “Little Legion of America” that sells truly sinful cookies called “Carnal Delights.”

Another niche that would have to be taken over is the most dreaded of door knockers – the Jehovah’s Witnesses. With those relentless fuckers sucked off the face of the planet by a floating Jesus, a committee of mischief makers would have to get together to decide what would be the equivalent of  offering blood sacrifices and chanting to pagan symbols on the floor when our new most hated door knocker arrives. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the Vacuum Cleaner Salesman!

In this new unrestrained, hedonistic world post-5/21, society would become marginally better with the legalization of marijuana and full-on gay marriage rights. Any early American law about what you can and can’t do in the sack would surely be thrown out.  In this heathen utopia, people could finally fuck their couches without fear of retribution.

Jack Chick's informed response to the Twilight craze.

Also, carbon emissions would drop as the printing of those tiny Christian comic book Chick Tracts finally halted, preserving all forests with trees under five feet in height.

The Catholic Church would disappear, allowing the world to be consumed by giddy drunkenness, thanks to the overabundance of wine, which would undergo a drastic reduction in price.

Despite the seeming kumbayah that would come to pass, humans still have indisputably violent tendencies.  Without Christians around to wage their side of the War on Christmas, December 25th would become what it has long been heading for — a day so full of consumer whore-ism that we will stop celebrating Christmas on its traditional day and instead have our get-togethers the week after so we could score on after-Christmas deals free of distraction.

Black Friday in this new society would become as popular a spectator sport as the Super Bowl, with Vegas oddsmakers taking bets on how many people would get perish outside retail stores via human stampede. People would still watch the Super Bowl, but just to see commercials for upcoming Christmas sales.

Random acts of violence would also be carried out on anyone who spread the end-of-world messages of Nostradamus or the Mayan Code. Remember, according to those guys, we still have another year and a half left before all hell breaks loose.

So, as you can see, it won’t necessarily be a true Great Tribulation if the world is left with nothing but heretics. On the contrary, it would be full of jovial winos who purchased the latest gadget for half-off and hippies, stoned out of their minds and munchin’ on Carnal Thin Mints.

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