This Week in J.Miz, Volume 10

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Don't let this old dog's air of sophistication fool you -- there's crack-cocaine in that pipe!

    If you walk a mile in a man’s shoes, that’s NOTHING compared to a man walking a mile in my “fuck me pumps.”

  • Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I have a motherfucking chainsaw.
  • As a child, I always wanted a lot of pets. Just not from my uncle.
  • All empty relationships can be aided by a full bottle.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but he will VOLUNTARILY do anything you want. Once you get him addicted to crack. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • I caught my boyfriend trying to cheat on me with a hooker! I was FURIOUS that’s how he found out about my new job.
  • In regard to my sex life, I am a proponent of the “buddy system.”
  • When I found out my boyfriend had another girlfriend, I felt REALLY bad. For her.
  • I once dated an amnesiac who would never forgive me.
  • I haven’t had a best friend in a decade. It’s just been a 10-year string of mediocre bitches.
  • I constantly miss glaring flaws in people. For example, 99.9 percent of the guys I fall for end up having Homosapial tendencies.
  • I got a cat for a pet because I’m really good at having something around that only cares about itself. #BalladOfASingleGirl
  • If it weren’t for drugs, I’d never sleep. With my boyfriend.
  • It is better to have lost his phone number than to have never loved at all. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • My boyfriend says there are two things that make women happy: making them laugh hard and cum hard. I’m still laughing at THAT one.
  • Guys laugh at girls’ jokes for one of two reasons: he wants to fuck her, or he thinks she’s funny and wants to fuck her that much MORE.
  • My long distance boyfriend sends me love notes, flowers and the cutest gifts. But I want him to up the ante to electronics. I need batteries.
  • It’s always been difficult for me to make friends with girls who have vaginas.
  • Huge penised men have issues. They cant keep me OFF of them.
  • The last guy who took me out was a quadraplegic. His handicap didn’t bother me, but he was EXTREMELY insensitive and unfeeling.
  • My ex-boyfriend was physically abusive. I’d say he beat the shit out of me, but he hit like a bitch.
  • It takes two Robs to make a heist go right.
  • “Fuck bitches, get money…” But a good bitch gets the money first.
  • I installed a bird feeder because I really love squirrels.
  • My boyfriend calls me a whore. I call him “Daddy.”

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