Posts tagged ‘Virtual Wine Tasting’

September 20, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 13

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz enjoys her first virtual wine tasting*. (*Not actually J.Miz.)

  • Anyone who’s surprised Sarah Palin fucked a black guy OBVIOUSLY never fucked a black guy.
  • When a methhead loses a tooth, does the Tooth Fairy put a box of Sudafed under their pillow?
  • My boyfriend said that I’m boring in bed. So, being a good girlfriend, I suggested he try waking me up.
  • You know the economy is fucked when rappers are rhyming about how much gas they have. Seriously? Chains, diamonds, self-made premium alcohol, clothing line, record company? OUT! Full gas tank? That’s GANGSTER!
  • It’s extremely hard to have a committed relationship with a drug addict. Unless you’re his dealer.
  • About 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. And it really gets me down. At tax time.
  • I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the afterlife. I like surprises. And sinning.
  • They say you can please a woman by watching her please herself. I say just ask my cat. He’s SEEN things.
  • Watching a show about a man who knowingly spread HIV. Boy, that takes all the fun out of me “surprise clapping” guys.
  • I’ve always wanted to learn how to say, “What?! ARE YOU DEAF?!” in American Sign Language.
  • When you realize you HAVE to be up in less than seven hours but SHOULD be up in five, everything you did for the last two hours seems pretty fucking pointless.
  • You can tell a lot about a city by its white people in the fall.
  • In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the song “I Got 5 On It” was about hand jobs.
  • Women count the ways they love you in inches and dollars. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • Your probation officer doesn’t appreciate you showing up for drug testing with poppy seed muffins “for everyone!” #SoIveHeard
  • I’m such a narcissist, it’s taken me MONTHS to go through my phone and part with all the amazing and supportive texts I have. Sent.
  • My boyfriend recently started having faint memories of being sodomized. Being a good girlfriend, I immediately increased his dosage of GHB.
  • Anytime I see a crack-addicted couple, it upsets me. Then I smoke some crack. Cuz it must work for them. Modern dating is weird.
  • I just got spam for a “virtual wine tasting.” What’s next? An IM blow job?? #IHateTheFuture
  • I never trust a grown man who owns more than three track suits.
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… that doesnt happen. i just havent reacted yet and probably was never fooled in the first place.
  • I hate finding pubic hair on a toilet seat. Not as much as I hate finding a newborn on a toilet seat, but still.
  • Polly wanna cracker because that bitch Polly is a fucking racist. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” -Coping With ED tips from your friends at Cialis.
  • It’s life’s greatest joy to find somebody who just “gets” us. But life’s cruel joke is that it’s never just that simple.
  • My boyfriend thinks I’m really into doggystyle, but I’m really not. Into his face. #ClassicJMiz
  • I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only date guys who get a student discount at the movies.
  • Growing up with a dad in entertainment taught me that I NEVER want to be the girl who “blew him when…”
  • Even though I taught him to do it, every time my cat says “Mama,” I feel like one of those guys on Maury.
  • My boyfriend’s comedy video is popular on YouTube. It has 500 views and 450 likes. Which means out of all those views, only 90 percent were him.
  • I sometimes worry my current boyfriend thinks a lot of these jokes are about him. And doesn’t get the hint.
  • My cat likes going down the porch steps and scratching the neighbors’ door. I’m checking his pockets for Watchtower pamphlets.