This Week in J.Miz, Volume 8

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz will watch your brown baby for half-price, but he has to bring his own smokes.

  • I’m often told to think before I talk by people who talk.
  • I prefer casual sex. Formal sex is way too uptight.
  • This 5-year-old kid just offered me a dollar for ONE cigarette. I was speechless when I thought about how DISGUSTING my profitability index was going to be.
  • My favorite part of summer is when the stores put their racks outside for sidewalk steals.
  • Vegans are incapable of having beef with anyone.
  • My second favorite sex position is called the Don’t Be Boring.
  • I was going to have a yard sale for some extra cash, but it seemed too much like share cropping.
  • I stand up against the ideals of Hitler one hair coloring and spray tan at a time.
  • I wish I could remember what my friend said heroin is like. But I was WAY too distracted by the crack I was smoking at the time.
  • Some of the WORST people on Earth are the BEST people in bed.
  • I found out today that I will hold my pee during my entire lunch break just so I don’t waste any of my own time.
  • When I see my cat lick his asshole, I am DISGUSTED that he is such a showoff.
  • My trial and acquittal really kept me from my social life. #WhiteGirlProblems
  • It makes me sad that midget prostitutes constantly sell themselves short.
  • After I went back to drinking, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. But maybe that was because of all the coke on it.
  • I had to stop going after the super-hot type of guys. We only ever seem to have one thing in common: the love of cock.
  • My boyfriend makes me feel like a teenager again! At the end of our dates, he parks in my driveway then gives me a goodnight rape.
  • For my 40th birthday, I’m just going to marry my cat and make it “official.”
  • Ever since my boyfriend became a vegan, he looks at me like I’m just a huge piece of tofu.
  • Even as an adult, I STILL get excited when I hear the ice cream man. Lance was a gentle lover…
  • I’ve had two boyfriends say they want to have a threesome. I’d just feel REALLY awkward introducing them like that.
  • I saw my old girlfriend at the high school reunion. Man, has she changed. She wouldn’t fuck anybody that night.
  • Why do they use so much KY during a pap smear? Though I DO appreciate my thighs having a glowy glisten in the summer.
  • I often wonder what endangered animal James Lipton would be.
  • The day I started my period was EXTREMELY confusing, especially for the two guys I got $500 from.
  • I think they should make fat-girl dresses that are equipped with motion lights. Then everywhere they go would be a disco.
  • Pregnant women who smoke are horribly selfish. How dare they expose a child to something like that before they even know the kid’s brand?
  • My boyfriend HATES wearing condoms. He’s of those “glass half empty” kind of guys.
  • I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and by “mother” I mean the mom who fucks all her teenage son’s friends.
  • Sex with my boyfriend has gotten boring. You know, that whole “same guy” bullshit.
  • I really hate nosey men, except when it comes to oral. #JewsForTheWin
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