Hung Over: A WNF Conversation

edited by ANDREW HICKS


Some days, WNF staff meetings never get off the ground.

EVE VENTRELLA
Does anyone else get nervous to look at your own comments on Facebook the next morning after drinking?

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I do. Today I’m afraid whatever I say on Facebook will be my last words, cuz I feel like death. I feel redrunk or something.

ERTEL GRAY
I get that, too. Like, say I’m here dickin’ off like usual on FB, then I walk to the store and get hit by a car. Oh great, Ertel’s last words were, “Hey, if a straight man buys a Fleshlight, do lesbians have to buy two of them?”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I drunk dialed someone’s grandma last night and told her I didn’t feel well.

EVE VENTRELLA
Last night my grandma called and said some perv was trying to have phone sex with her.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Well, it wasn’t your grandma. Unless I went on a grandma drunk-dialing binge.

ERTEL GRAY
What is it with grandmas being so paranoid about people trying to sex ’em up? You’d think they’d appreciate the attention, right?

EVE VENTRELLA
My grandma says to “put up or shut up.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Well, I don’t remember much. I think I sent her a picture of my penis or my mangina. I may have tucked it under for her.

EVE VENTRELLA
Is it possible to do the mangina/weiner tuck and the “brain” at the same time?

ERTEL GRAY
Theoretically, the mangina/brain is possible. Depends on which end you’re starting from.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I may have called the police and cussed them out last night.

EVE VENTRELLA
It should be illegal for drunk people to be within three feet of a phone.

ERTEL GRAY
There should be a drunk-dialing app for smartphones that chooses numbers at random. Imagine drunk dialing someone from another country.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Ughhhhhhhhhhhh, the room is spinning.

ERIC DOHMAN
I’m in the same boat right now, Linville. I literally can’t leave bed. Debating whether to piss in this cup.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Just pee on a pile of clothes.

ERTEL GRAY
Oh man, that’s what we call Mid-’50s Rural Kentucky Drunk.

ERIC DOHMAN
Never struggled this much for a morning erection.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
It is possible to rub one out while limp. I did it after a whiskey night. However, it won’t make you feel better.

ERTEL GRAY
^Truth right there. I never thought the words “depressing” and “orgasm” could be uttered in the same sentence.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
It was the weirdest thing. The orgasm cameth, and yet I still wanted to die.

ERTEL GRAY
The closest thing I could equate it to would be stumbling on a digital camera with Helen Hunt nudes. You’d be like “Oh man, this… oh shit, it’s Helen Hunt. Who gives a shit if she’s nude?”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m getting depressed just thinking about that. Uh oh, the heartburn is starting. Ugh.

ERIC DOHMAN
I need Wendy’s. Fuck!

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I feel like Stephen Hawking with a broken computer speaking device.

EVE VENTRELLA
I’m sure Mr. Hawking would be flattered.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m drooling just like him right now.

ERIC DOHMAN
He gets laid more.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m better at planking though.

ERTEL GRAY
Speaking of Hawking, are we 100 percent positive that those are the actual words he’s thinking that come from his SpeechTron 5000? He could be giving some speech on space/time, and in reality, he could be thinking, “I could use a good blowjob right about now.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Does it just speak what he is thinking? Cuz that really could be embarrassing.

ERTEL GRAY
I could totally see him desperately reaching with his tongue for the volume button whenever he thinks, “Jeez, that woman in the third row has some AMAZING tits!”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Ohhhhhhh the room is spinning again. Uggggggggggh.

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