Mullets, Fauxhawks and Bieber Lesbians

edited by ANDREW HICKS

Lesbian hair photo collage assembled by Eric Dohman.

Remember when mullets were cool? Some of you might be old enough.There was a narrow window of history where business in the front/party in the back was not only tolerated but venerated. People weren’t making fun of Mel Gibson in the ’80s for his rocking hairstyle, nor were they taking jabs at Bono while he belted out “Sunday Bloody Sunday” while sporting the Camero Crash Helmet. In the ’80s, mullets weren’t a bad thing, they were totally BAD. And even though the poor, ignorant fuckers who purposefully fashion their hair into the Faded Glory are constantly, and rightfully, mocked, it wasn’t always so. Although it really does boggle the mind that hipsters are trying to bring it back — albeit ironically.

Now, you can tell when a popular hairstyle is on its way out when lesbians begin to wear it to identify themselves as lesbians. The same thing is happening right now with the fauxhawk. You can still go to meat-market clubs and bars to find guys sporting that abominable hairstyle, completely ignorant of the fact that the fauxhawk is the mullet of their generation.

Lesbians have been co-opting discarded hairstyles for decades now, and really, that’s just great. Go lady-lovin’ ladies! Heterosexual males associate the ‘do with the detestable ass-hats, and our carpet-munching heroes can single each other out while avoiding contact with guys they’re not going to fuck no matter how much alcohol or coke they have in their bodies. This system has been working out pretty well, until now.

Which brings us to the Bieber cut. Suddenly, bars and clubs are peppered with cut chicks with that swept-back, boyish hair. This time, they didn’t give the hairstyle a chance to wear out its welcome. So now, if I see a hot girl with this cute new hairstyle, even a healthy dose of MDMA will only get me to second base before she freaks out and remembers that I have a penis.

And it gets worse. Lesbians didn’t give guys the proper time to associate the hairstyle with douchebags. The men wearing the Bieber-cut aren’t men at all, they’re boys. Most adult males just don’t tend to encounter that hairstyle on anyone except adorable elfin chicks.

And this leads us to the real problem. Lesbians have fucked up. There’s no cultural buffer telling us that we shouldn’t hit on them, but that’s not the worst problem. Because lesbians jumped the gun, because they didn’t follow protocol as with mullets and faux hawks, because they didn’t give us time — because of all of this, I really want to fuck Justin Bieber, and that can’t be good for anyone.

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