Rapture? Are you Rap-sure?

by ANDREW HICKS
and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

Dear Jesus,

We knew you weren’t coming back on Saturday, but that didn’t stop us from cleaning our houses just in case. And we don’t mean in the metaphorical, spiritual, “Get your house in order” sense. No, we vacuumed, swept and mopped in the kitchen, did our dishes and everything. We even put out three different varieties of Doritos, since we couldn’t remember which one was your favorite back in the day*.

Okay, we did get our hopes up a little bit when you called Macho Man Randy Savage to heaven a day early, leaving only 143,999 spots open for the rest of us. Then we remembered that the chosen 144,000 mentioned in the Bible are virgins, and you of all omniscient beings should know the Macho Man had his share of big-haired ’80s trailer trash**.

It wasn’t the most disappointing weekend ever. No earthly second coming from you, Jesus, but we did get to meet a delusional hobo who thought he was Vishnu, the supreme god of Vaishnavite Hinduism.

This Rapture hoopla*** reminded us of a few other times you were “supposed” to come back and didn’t. Remember when Pat Robertson spent all of 1982 talking about how you were definitely going to come back in 1982? Then he had to go on the air January 1, 1983. That was a pretty awkward show for Pat. (“Uh, when I said Jesus would come back in 1982, what I meant to say was, ‘The Jews For Jesus will have a comeback in 1982.’ That’s it. That’s what I was trying to say. ’82 was a HUGE year for Christian Jews.”)

Oh, and remember that Christian book 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988? That thing sold a ton of copies, and then the next year the same guy put out a book called Rapture Report: 1989. And people bought that book too! True story! We’re still disappointed that guy never put out a book called 1 Reason Why the Rapture Will Be in 2001.

"What did the homosexuals do THIS time?" -Pat Robertson

Anyway, this round of Rapture mania was as anticlimactic as the rest, and life on earth will continue. And it’s not your fault you didn’t show up. It’s kind of like when people are at a boring party, and the host is like, “Just wait, [That Cool Dude You Haven’t Seen In Awhile] will be here. I promise! He’s coming over at midnight.” Meanwhile, the host doesn’t have the cool dude’s phone number because the host is a lamewad, so he never got a chance to invite the cool dude in the first place. Midnight comes and goes, cool dude doesn’t show, and a few naive people go home disappointed. The rest of the people knew it was all some kind of a hoax anyway.

Feel free to visit anytime, though, Jesus. I know up in heaven, everything’s perfect, sunny and 75 degrees Fahrenheit, but we’ve got some cool stuff down here, too. There’s a new Pirates of the Caribbean out and everything. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking — Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley aren’t even in this one, so I might as well stay up in heaven and watch “Touched By an Angel” reruns on the JiVo**** — but Penelope Cruz is hot, and you know it. Movie tickets are like 12 bucks nowadays, true, but you definitely qualify for the senior discount. You should come down and check it out.

Fondly,
Andrew Hicks and The WNF Crew

*Hate to tell you, though — Doritos discontinued its Honeycomb Habanero flavor sometime mid-second century.

**No offense to Randy, but for a second we were all freaked out because we thought Fred Savage died. Turns out Fred survived with a little help from his friends.

***A few confused souls thought there were Raptors coming, so they replaced all their door handles with knobs. For all their pint-sized reptilian ferocity, they can’t open doorknobs, because you have a hilarious system of checks and balances.

****That’s Jesus TiVo, obviously.

CONTRIBUTORS: Woo, Lindsay Hartley, Kady Bay, Justin Olomon

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