Posts tagged ‘TV’

July 13, 2011

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century, Part 2

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. Read the first part of Tony’s brilliant invective here. -AJH]

Altruism: Self-interest in full camouflage.

Astrology: Entrail reading’s less socially awkward cousin.

Atheism: The understanding that there is no grand plan for human existence. Life has about as much meaning as the existence of Brussels sprouts, so everything we do is ultimately, in the long term, pointless. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?

Baby: A young human. Also a term misapplied to fetuses, embryos and even blastocytes by those who seek to deny a woman her reproductive rights. The proof of this misapplication, of course, lies in the fact that humanity has bothered to come up with entirely different words for these different stages of life. By “pro-life” logic, teenagers too should be considered babies, and it should be illegal to destroy them. Clearly, that way madness lies.

Beck, Glenn: It is commonly believed that there are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This is the result of a transcription error in the King James Bible. In reality, there are Five Horsemen – War, Famine, Pestilence, Death and Hysteria. Anyone who has watched Glenn Beck’s show knows that the Fifth Horseman is already here. Of course, most people who have watched Glenn Beck’s show rather wish that the Fourth Horseman had preceded him.

Creationism: Proof that evolution does not necessarily select for intelligence.

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December 15, 2010

Warning: Inept Robbers On The Loose

by RYAN K.

Doors were locked – dead-bolted to be exact, yet the evil men decided to penetrate my house while my roommate and I were at work this evening. It seems to be the typical smash n’ grab situation. They got away with my laptop, TV/Monitor, digital camera, $300.00 cash – which was nicely situated on my desk – next to the laptop (charging and awaiting the triumphant return of his master who would have used him once again to look up conspiracy theories, shitty music videos, and yes, an indecent amount of filthy porn). My roommate lost his fair share also: PS3 (he wasn’t too attached to it though, I mean he only purchased it two nights ago, literally!), 40-some inch plasma TV, and his wallet was taken from his desk and thrown on the couch because there wasn’t anything in there but a Walmart gift card.

The reasons why I think this is the worst robbery ever are as follows:

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