This Week in J.Miz, Volume 9

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

[Do you follow J.Miz on Twitter? That’s where she’s been writing her best shit the past few weeks. Do yourself a favor, catch the J.Miz wave early. and follow @jmiz8 on Twitter. You’ll be glad you did. –AJH]

  • Normally, I'd make a smartass comment, but instead I ask, How awesome is this picture?

    Nothing tickles Jenny more than people talking in third person.

  • As I walked across a bridge, I passed a guy riding his bike across, drunk. I tip my hat to you sir! #MadSkillz
  • I have a Christian friend that is SO devout, he often REFUSES to covet his own wife.
  • I have a friend who says her anxiety feels like the moment before the first person dies in a horror flick. I’d like to sympathize, but I’m not black.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. Guys with tiny penises usually have MUCH bigger issues. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • After chopping my hair off this last time, I decided to grow it out. I got tired of people wondering how long my boyfriend’s been gay.
  • I love making myself “to do” lists, because nothing is more important than prioritizing my failures.
  • One of my worst characteristics is losing things. It all started with my virginity.
  • Donut holes are puzzling. Don’t average donuts come WITH a hole? Why does no one find this suspicious? Who is that ball trying to fool?
  • I just LOVE the feel of my boyfriend’s sweatshirt, up against my inner conflict with stealing.
  • The white dress and picket fence and begrudging sex with one person for the rest of your life reminds me of this womens’ prison I read about.
  • #EverybodyHasThat1Follower that acts like Twitter is chat.
  • I’m SO dedicated to being a cougar, I now refer to sex as “grown folks’ business.”
  • I tried explaining to my boyfriend that it’s NORMAL to think about other guys when I’m having sex. With other guys.
  • According to the History Channel, Benjamin means “son of my right hand.” If THAT is possible, we’re ALL fucked! And pregnant.
  • I love watching shows about the Bible. This shit’s hilarious! #NeverEndingComedy
  • I accept Jesus Christ as my personal saviour, as an OUT, everytime an ugly guy wants to fuck me. #JesusForTheWin
  • Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses, because you know we’re too smart for your shit. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • Whenever I long for the pitter-patter of little feet, I book a trip to China, visit their orphanages, then renew my birth control script.
  • My boyfriend wanted me to take notes on his videos for an upcoming show. My first note reads “Sound less JEWY.” That’s helpful, right?
  • Any time I consider prostitution, I know I’d never EVER be able to, get all these guys to start paying.
  • In an Irish Catholic family, no hour is exempt from drunk dialing.
  • Every time I start feeling bad about myself, I KNOW it’s time to go back to the gym. And score some GHB.
  • I believe atheism was born from a deep fear or hatred of philosophers, who wear robes.
  • You know those commercals where the demonstrate life without M’s? Yeah, I live that, but it’s not M’s, it’s O’s.
  • My life’s biggest double edged sword is, the same gravity making my boobs sag, is what makes me look so awesome lying on my back.
  • A lot of men think my humour is too dry. So I try to downplay that by showing them how fast they can dry up my vagina.
  • Whenever a guy has hair on his junk, I’m convinced he’s hiding something.
  • Everything I ever needed to know about scoring, I learned in rehab.
  • As far as dating and kids go, I have the same motivation. Either way, I’m fucking.
  • My boyfriend is really into “raw” sex, but I’m REALLY into saving the world from his gene pool.
  • The Internet has become such a HUGE part of my life, I’ve forgotten how I used to cum.
  • My boyfriend is SO selfish and insecure! I CONSTANTLY have to validate him while he is having sex with himself.
  • My boyfriend thinks I’m EXCELLENT at phone sex, and so does line 5.
  • In kindergarten, I wanted to be a cheerleader and a waitress. At the time, I didn’t know about sex or how that’d pan out so exactly in my future
  • I will rape your poop joke with my dick.
  • I have a fear of fidelity.
  • I recently decided to start dating again. I REALLY miss the rush of fighting.
  • A REALLY young guy came up to me and asked if I slept with younger guys. I was APPALLED, at how him asking me, took all the fun out of it.
  • I registered with University of Phoenix not ONLY to attend classes in pajamas, but also for a future full of being introduced as “Cinnanmon.”
  • I constantly cheat on facebook with Twitter, but Twitter has a bigger cock.
  • With guys on the “cougar” kick these days, it turns out that the “cat lady” is man’s best friend.
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