Posts tagged ‘Wii’

June 25, 2011

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. -AJH]

A: Indefinite article. (See also: “Sarah Palin’s Brain.”)

Advertising: A subtle combination of lies, damned lies and statistics.

American football: A good run, ruined.

Axis of Evil: A collective term for the nations of Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Any student of geography or geometry of course knows that these three countries do not form an axis of any kind. If using straight lines, they are at best an Angle of Evil. If curves are allowed into the proposition, they become an Arc of Evil. Both of these more accurate terms, however, were discarded as being insufficiently terrifying.

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December 15, 2010

Warning: Inept Robbers On The Loose

by RYAN K.

Doors were locked – dead-bolted to be exact, yet the evil men decided to penetrate my house while my roommate and I were at work this evening. It seems to be the typical smash n’ grab situation. They got away with my laptop, TV/Monitor, digital camera, $300.00 cash – which was nicely situated on my desk – next to the laptop (charging and awaiting the triumphant return of his master who would have used him once again to look up conspiracy theories, shitty music videos, and yes, an indecent amount of filthy porn). My roommate lost his fair share also: PS3 (he wasn’t too attached to it though, I mean he only purchased it two nights ago, literally!), 40-some inch plasma TV, and his wallet was taken from his desk and thrown on the couch because there wasn’t anything in there but a Walmart gift card.

The reasons why I think this is the worst robbery ever are as follows:

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December 12, 2010

Enter Kipper, Exit Elmo

by ANDREW HICKS

Every now and then, when cynicism strikes me, I ponder the possibility that love by nature is fleeting. Two of the couples who were married at the last three weddings I attended have already gotten divorced. They didn’t even hang in there long enough to celebrate the exchange of fine leather in traditional observance of the third wedding anniversary.

I guess not everyone’s priorities and life goals match up, but I know I’m digging in my heels and holding on tight at least until I get the traditional fruits and flowers that are the spoils of celebrating a whopping four years of marriage. I never thought I’d outlast some of my peers just by staying married for a fifth of a fifth of a century, but actually, when I put it that way, it kinda seems like a long time.

Within the last few weeks, I’ve witnessed a love I thought was pure and eternal disintegrate right in front of my eyes. This is a love I could’ve sworn would last forever. I’m speaking of my 2-year-old daughter Sarah’s torrid, abiding passion for Elmo. Once, he was all she would talk about. She would awake in breathless anticipation of his headwide smile and way-too-frequent, self-conscious giggle. Now, it’s like Elmo never existed, and I’m wondering if he pissed her off. I saw her rip the crap out of his picture in a book last week.

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