An Open Letter To An Old A-Hole

Fellow Grocery Store Patrons,

If I have the happy and fortunate position to precede you in line, MY groceries go first, then yours. When I put the plastic divider down, that is your ‘green light’ to unload away, not before. I should not have to stack my bread on top of itself because you’re driven by some unknown urge to unload your cart as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.

Anne Gardner

Dear Old Rude Ass Jackass Man At The Grocery Store,

Clearly my previous post regarding grocery store etiquette did not reach you. Probably this has something to do with you not having a Facebook account, or probably even owning a computer.

As previously mentioned, however, MY groceries go first, then yours. Today I even offered for you to go in front of me since you were obviously in a hurry to get through the check out line. And what did you do? You refused, explaining that the cashier was fast and it wouldn’t be necessary. So I said, “yes, she is, but I’m eight months pregnant and not fast.” To which you replied, “Oh, well would you like me to help you unload?” and proceeded to touch my groceries prior to receiving an answer from me! So I hurriedly responded, “No, that’s ok.” But what I was really thinking was, “No. I dont want help unloading. I want you to go in front of me so I don’t have to feel rushed to unload my groceries as I hold my breath bending over the side of my cart with a huge pregnant belly. I want you to get your shopping done without any further interaction with you. And I want you to get your fucking hands off my bread! And really, truly, more than anything, I want to get out of this store with my groceries without getting further harassed, creating a scene, or getting arrested for elder abuse.”

So, in an effort to curb my fantastic rage, I write this letter and would like to close with a few rules for future grocery store trips:

1. Please wait until the person in front of you has completed the task of unloading their groceries prior to placing your purchases on the belt.
2. If someone who has more purchases than you offers to let you precede them in line, graciously accept and in the future maybe pay it forward.
3. This may be the most important rule and applicable at all times: under no circumstances are you to fondle the produce or other selections in the cart of another shopper, especially not in an effort to rush things along for your own interests. God knows WHAT you could possibly have to do after this trip to the grocery store that creates such an atmosphere of hurry about you.

Finally, I’m hoping that switching my grocery store day back to Monday will help me to avoid further interaction with you, since I’m pretty sure that my rage from last week was prompted by you as well. I hope never to have this particular issue with you again, but I’m not sure I can be held responsible for what may happen if I see you and this happens yet again…

Warmest Regards,
Anne Gardner

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