Posts tagged ‘Shopping’

May 23, 2011

Strange Encounters Of The Aldi Kind

by Anne Gardner

Over my years of shopping at Aldi, I have had a wealth of experiences – bizarre, random and some even downright offensive.  I’ve seen the schizophrenic shufflers muttering to themselves as they push their carts down the aisle, the ghetto fab beggars wanting me to trade cash for food stamps, the produce fondlers who reach into my cart and squish my bread and handle my broccoli, the rushed retirees who can’t wait to hog the conveyor belt for their canned stew and bananas so they can get home in time for their stories, and, most recently, the baby entertainers, who touch my child’s face and make faces of their own to greet my son.  None of it has stopped me from going, though.  The patrons may be strange, but I can’t resist spending a third of what I would spend elsewhere on my groceries.  Sure, the store feels a little third-world, you have a limited selection of goods, and you feel like you might need a hot bath when you’re finished, but the savings are worth it.

So, this morning after I finished my decaf, I took my weekly trip to Aldi.  And, this morning, as luck would have it, when I was getting out of my car, someone was finishing with their cart.  I love when that happens; it makes life with a 13+ pound baby and baby carrier that much easier.  So, I offered her a nice shiny quarter in exchange for the cart (at Aldi, you rent your cart for a quarter and have to take your cart back to the store front before you leave to get your quarter back – sort of genius, actually), I unloaded my son in his car seat from the car and strolled toward the front of the store.

As I was walking in, an elderly couple was exiting, and they had in their cart a huge, 2 gallon, potted banana pepper plant full of peppers that were just swaying in the breeze.  I love it.  Not only does Aldi bring me my dairy, bread and coffee at profoundly discounted prices, but they take all the work out of gardening for me, too.

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February 3, 2011

An Open Letter To An Old A-Hole

Fellow Grocery Store Patrons,

If I have the happy and fortunate position to precede you in line, MY groceries go first, then yours. When I put the plastic divider down, that is your ‘green light’ to unload away, not before. I should not have to stack my bread on top of itself because you’re driven by some unknown urge to unload your cart as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.

Best,
Anne Gardner

Dear Old Rude Ass Jackass Man At The Grocery Store,

Clearly my previous post regarding grocery store etiquette did not reach you. Probably this has something to do with you not having a Facebook account, or probably even owning a computer.

As previously mentioned, however, MY groceries go first, then yours. Today I even offered for you to go in front of me since you were obviously in a hurry to get through the check out line. And what did you do? You refused, explaining that the cashier was fast and it wouldn’t be necessary. So I said, “yes, she is, but I’m eight months pregnant and not fast.” To which you replied, “Oh, well would you like me to help you unload?” and proceeded to touch my groceries prior to receiving an answer from me! So I hurriedly responded, “No, that’s ok.” But what I was really thinking was, “No. I dont want help unloading. I want you to go in front of me so I don’t have to feel rushed to unload my groceries as I hold my breath bending over the side of my cart with a huge pregnant belly. I want you to get your shopping done without any further interaction with you. And I want you to get your fucking hands off my bread! And really, truly, more than anything, I want to get out of this store with my groceries without getting further harassed, creating a scene, or getting arrested for elder abuse.”

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December 5, 2010

WNF Holiday Shopping Guide, Pt. 1

by We’re Not Funny

In this wonderful season of giving, we here at We’re Not Funny thought we would put together a special guide for you. Sometimes it’s just hard to buy for certain people. At times it’s our own creativity that stifles us when it comes to gift-giving. Other times we’re just selfish pricks who don’t give gifts. The list we’ve compiled for you would warm the heart of  Ebenezer Scrooge himself (The Donald Duck one, screw that Mr. Magoo Bullshit).


Don’t tell me you’ve never looked at your sandwich, and thought to yourself, “if only I could use this as a storage medium.” You lying twat!
Bonus: I like to pass them out to the hungry and homeless, just to watch their reaction.

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