How Not To Internet Date, 27 April 2011

By MICHELLE DEE

Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

Commentary Provided by Michelle Dee

iwish: nice pic

Michelle Dee: Thanks you too

*typical to start out with a cheesy compliment but still well within the normal range*

iwish: so I’m curious have you had any luck yet on here?

*Now lets ask about previous encounters, like that should be any of your business or have any bearing on anything we may have together*

Michelle Dee: Nope… you?

iwish: nope not at all but sure do wish i had some company right about now thats for sure. so what are you up to. notice you put some new pics up. so what are you exactly looking for what i mean is are you on here to chat to talk to hook up what

*In reference to a picture of a female angler fish I put on my profile. Clearly this must contain some hidden message about what I’m looking for?*

Michelle Dee: To meet people and see where it goes.

iwish: very nice well i would mind seing ya in person and chillin or watching a movie or something with ya sometime sucks being single in aways because i would love to have that little bit of company if you know what i mean

*”If you know what mean”? I imagine if I was within his reach, he’d be elbow-nudging me while giving exaggerating winks.*

Michelle Dee: You mean booty? LOL

iwish: sure would be nice i haven’t done anything in a very very long time so thats why i kinda wish i had someone. what can you do, its not like your going to give me that kind of company lol lol lol lol

Michelle Dee: lol lol lol lol

iwish: no it sucks. i could use a helping hand you know. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you interested in coming by here later on lol lol lol what would you like to do wink wink lol lol we could fine a movie to watch or something

Michelle Dee: You didn’t sound like you wanted a movie.

iwish: did you wanna do something else

Michelle Dee: hmmm what KIND of movie?

iwish: sounds like you know what i mean and it also sounds like your kinda interested

iwish: so you just want me to come out to say it. maybe watch a movie maybe some kissing and touching what do you think

iwish: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so was that what you wanted me to say

*At this point I decided this guy was just too creepy to deal with.*

iwish: well this can’t be good guessing you don’t like well if you want sent me a text if you want 555-555-LAME

iwish: so was that what you wanted to hear

(The next day)

iwish: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

iwish: so you haven’t responded back at all how come.

iwish: is that what you wanted to hear ok guess i will leave you be. hope you have yourself a great night

iwish: so should i leave you be

*So lets state you are going to leave me be then what? You had second thoughts and decided to ask if that’s what I want?*

(2 days later)

iwish: so should i leave you be

(2 days later)

iwish:I want you

iwish: right now right here. i want to eat ya meaning lick

*I’m not sure if this is a desperate attempt at luring me into a comment or if it was an drunken night alone. But he makes sure to clarify “eat” so I don’t actually think he wants to  EAT me*

iwish: and no comment

iwish: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm lol

(1 week later)

iwish: well you take care of yourself

*Sounds like a final bid farewell, right?*

(3 days later)

iwish: well your not looking for friendship and your not flirty thats for sure

*If at first you don’t succeed… insult me!*

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