From the Mind of J.Miz, Volume 2

Cemetery: The singles' bar for the new millennium.

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

I’m going to start using the obituaries as a dating tool. I can be very comforting to recently widowed penis.

The religious will tell you to pray and repent in order to be spared on Judgment Day. Fuck that, just make sure you’re in line behind ME.

As a single woman in her thirties, it’s difficult for me to meet guys. I’m starting to miss my old job as Glory Hole Attendant.

My Jewish boyfriend would like to thank the Pope for all the time I spent in Catholic church, kneeling.

I confronted my boyfriend about his sex addiction, and he’s in therapy now. Sadly for me, it’s hands-on therapy to improve his technique.

With this humidity, I should just wear my hair curly, but I can’t find my Black Power pick. And I’m nothing without my accessories.

I once dated a guy with ED. Yeah, his dick would fail… at recognizing who its girlfriend was.

I would never get paid for sex. Robbing dudes afterward is way more fun.

I will never forget my senior prom. That was the night my daughter Toiletta was born.

A friend suggested I go to NA. I was clueless that meant Narcotics Anonymous and not Nonconsensual Anal. They were clueless that I came to the meeting wearing chaps and looking for butt rape while high on roofies.

I used to date a guy with one ball. I’ll always regret doing that to him.

Überstache. Also pictured: the rest of Sam Elliott's head.

If I was a dude, I’d rock an epic Sam Elliott ‘stache. That shit deserves its own ZIP code and an elementary school named after it: Sam Elliott’s Überstache Middle School.‎‎

The curse of having large vaginaed women should be put on any guy who wears skinny jeans.

My cat Dwight thinks we should have Disco Wednesdays. Yeah buddy! That’s why he’s on the payroll.

I just got snapped in the tit by sausage grease. Owwwwiieeez!

Dwight just said it was time to go to bed. He ain’t my man. #idowhatiwant

I was almost raped, but I threw the guy off by volunteering.

After 12 years of Catholic education, I still cannot tell you who wrote the commandment, “Thou shall dress slutty for school.” I assume it was Anonymous.

“Can you make sure you give us a quick call on your way home, because Dad and I haven’t had the house to ourselves in a bit?” -Uncomfortable question while living at home

I love that Prince song “If I Was Your Girlfriend.” Always wanted to do my own version called “If I Was Your Wife.” It would be like 7 minutes of me yelling insults at you, then 6 1/2 minutes of me crying. With kids screaming in the background.

Remember when you were little, and you saw your mom crying for the first time, as your dad humped her like a wild boar?

The word “classic” describes some old shit that sucked in the past that white people are now nostalgic for.

“What happen to all those batteries I just bought?” -Uncomfortable question while living at home

I’m going to start going to AA, but only to steal doughnuts and coffee. Good luck catching Jennifer M.

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