Easy Living Made Easier

Now Jenny is finally ready to watch TV safely.

by ERTEL GRAY and ANDREW HICKS

If life has taught us anything, it’s this: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. In fact, stay away from horses. In fact, just stay away from any animal that has a better-than-average chance of mauling or trampling you to death. In fact, just stay away from animals altogether. This includes invertebrates and microscopic nuisances.

There’s an easier way to make like Prince and “get through this crazy thing we call life.” If you’re interested in learning how, slide back from the edge of your seat (You could fall!), and listen up:

  • Duct tape couch cushions and pillows around your torso and limbs, and wear a bike helmet everywhere you go. Fashion probably isn’t your friend if you’re reading these words, so why not make safety goal No. 1?
  • Breakfast is the most important meal, yes, but it can also be downright deadly. The solution is to eat soft foods with rounded corners and avoid crispy foods. Blend cereals together if possible. Or, better yet, prepare your cereal weeks in advance, so those crispy, jagged flakes become a gruel-like paste that you can intake easily through a straw. The roof of your mouth will thank you for liberating it from the daily bloody assaults of that sadist seaman Cap’n Crunch.
  • Use a knife? NO. Cut off your wired robot finger with a knife? DOUBLE NO.

    Don’t mess with knives, not even butter knives. If you’re on a date, and you order a choice cut of prime rib, calmly ask your date if she would be so kind as to cut the steak into quarter-inch cubes. Then ask her if she’d be a lamb and use her nail file to grind the edges and corners of the meat into small, round pellets.

NOTE: Of course, you can only ask the second question if your date is still sitting at the same table with you and not hurriedly gathering her things, muttering something under her breath about “going out with some 7-year-old pansy-ass loser.” Which may or may not be a specific comment related to you. You’ll have thick wads of cotton stuffed in your ear anyway, so you won’t hear her.

NOTE 2: If your date doesn’t leave the table but refuses your requests, on the grounds that, “You’re not a fucking child, Thomas!” then remove yourself from the situation immediately. It’s obvious this woman doesn’t care nearly as much about your safety as you do. Clearly this potential relationship was going nowhere, and why open yourself up to that kind of rejection? Stay home from now on and masturbate instead, but use soft pleather gloves and water-based lubricants to protect your hands and genitalia.

  • Lastly, studies have shown music has the ability to increase your heart rate. You’re going to want to avoid this. Under any and all circumstances, avoid speed metal. The softer the rock, the better. Also, stay away from songs with lyrics about rebellion and free thought, as they may inspire a lack of respect for your newfound safety. Here’s some suggested listening to get you started:

* The entire oeuvre of Bread
* “Summer Breeze,” by Seals and Croft
* “Have You Never Been Mellow?” by Olivia Newton John
* “Theme From Mahogany,” by Diana Ross
* “Sailing,” by Christopher Cross
* “Sunshine on My Shoulders,” by John Denver

If songs had pulses, all of the above would be flatliners, and that’s just what you’re looking for right now: Easy living through easy listening. These songs on repeat — plus a handful of Xanax — will gently whisk you from reality until next Tuesday. And remember, technology does exist now to slow down the tempo of songs and remove the drums and electric guitars that do nothing but increase anxiety in your brain. Imagine how great it’ll be to listen to Bob Marley‘s “Three Little Birds” at half-speed with no percussion.

Folks, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. While, regrettably, most of us will never have the chance to live in a plastic bubble like John Travolta in the 1977 TV movie, the tips contained in this article could stave off the disasters of life by up to a full five-day work week.

Do yourself a favor, and print this post for easy reference. Just be sure to laminate it first. Papercuts are a bitch.

%d bloggers like this: