Facebook Withdrawal

by Woo

I recently decided to take a week off of Facebook. Sometimes you just get so used to things that they don’t offer you the same high anymore. I think there’s some science behind that, but I’m no Botanist.

This is my Diary of A Week With Facebook Withdrawal:

Day 1. Hard not to think about the Facebook. I look at the calouses on my fingers from so much Facebook over the years. I feel regret for these scars, but I know if I could just get a hit of Facebook I would no longer care.

Day 2. Rocking back and forth in my chair, with knees tucked to chest. My every thought and conversation are chronoligical, from bottom to top. My soul is leaving hurtful comments on my heart. “Give up you loser, you need a hit of Facebook. 4 minutes ago.”

Day 3. Restless, and still reeling from the addiction. Everywhere I look, the TV, other websites, the sandwich I made for lunch, I want to find a “Like” to click.

I’ve developed a case of priapism. I knew this could happen with withdrawl, but who ever heard of a 9 hour boner for laying off the Facebook? Worse yet, since my dick isn’t actually on my friends list, I feel it would be dirty to have relations with it.

Day 4. I can’t stop scratching all over. It feels like my blood is itching. I’ve broken the skin in so many places, but no relief. Not even drinking an entire bottle of Calimine Lotion helped.

Day 5. The itching is gone. Humor is coming back to me. I can’t manage to actually laugh though. When something strikes me, all I can do is utter, “L.O.L.” and “L.M.A.O.”

Day 6. Offered the neighbor fellatio for 5 minutes on his computer with Facebook. I never thought my life would be this way. In my youth I swore I’d never do the hard stuff. Never be an addict. Now here I am, trying to wash the cock taste out of my mouth with White Vinegar, Windex, and MySpace.

Day 7. Waking up with nightmares and nightsweats. When I try to talk, I can say what I want, but whoever I am talking to doesn’t hear it. I figured out it’s because it was never commented. I wrote “Comment” on my left nipple, and as long as I tap that after a statement I can make conversation. It’s all very Tourette’s.

Now that the week has passed, I’ve run a Facebook spike directly into my left arm. It flows right into my veins, giving me highs with renewed vigor. My digital god, i’ll never again forsake you!

3 Responses to “Facebook Withdrawal”

  1. you know what pleases me most about this (:

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