Hannah Montana’s Achy Breaky Start

by Andrew Hicks

Veterans Day just passed, and as our website wasn’t yet launched in November, I’d like to take a moment to sincerely acknowledge the men and women who have served our country. Veterans have had it rough over the years. They’ve had to endure Agent Orange,HAIL SATAN! insufficient disability compensation, and a Billy Ray Cyrus album titled, Some Gave All.

I doubt there are many Vegas oddsmakers who take bets on the career longevity of musicians, but I would have lost serious money on Bret Michaels, Flavor Flav, Darius “Hootie” Rucker, and Billy Ray in particular. Who would predict the loins located three feet below that feathery brown mullet would spawn the billionaire teen multimedia sensation known as Miley? Also known as Hannah. Also known as Finally Almost 18.

Billy Ray Cyrus, it turns out, made the shrewdest deal with the devil of any music celebrity. During the negotiation process, Satan laid out the usual, “I’ll get you three Top 10 hits from two albums, a couple Grammy noms and the respect of your peers.” And Billy Ray said, “Nah, Satan. I’m a humble man. I’m good with being a one-hit wonder punchline… but could you bless my sperm?”

The Devil has been paying out of his smoldering ass for that one since like 2005. He’s had to take a second mortgage out on hell. It’s actually lukewarm down there now because Satan can’t pay his utilities in full. We’re all paying the karmic price for Miley Cyrus’s meteoric success.

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