Cerebral Ballsy

by JAMES DRAPER

I am not an intelligent person. I just think everyone should know this as a fact. I don’t want anyone thinking I have the correct answer to anything, although I have plenty of answers. Nor should they believe I’ve done enough research on anything I may speak to, other than drawing from personal experience. No, this is not a disclaimer, just something to put in your hat for whenever my life intersects yours.

A person of my mental prowess rarely has the use for a word like “ponder.” However, this is something I have pondered for some time. How is it I get by? I mean, I am nowhere near the intelligence level I am expected to be. I know this because many of the people I come across talk to me as if I have a single clue. What the fuck they are talking about? I just agree and smile. Once they’re gone, I Google it and laugh that I didn’t know what they meant, or I hurry up, as I’ve spent a lot of project time finding out what I agreed to do.

It’s a fear I have as a comic. There are so many smart f’n stand-ups in the places I’m supposed to be doing stand-up. (Inevitably, there is a bevy of dumbasses too.) I guess the fear is that I won’t be taken seriously. I’ll be found out to be a dumbass because they’ll see through my bullshit.

At work, I feel I can fake being smart. Mainly because I know what I’m doing there and I know what to expect most of the time. But, knowledge? Like remembering dates in history, or the stuff that happened on certain dates in history? Not so much! Math, science, politics and religion are, for the most part, over my head! I hate to read, until I find myself reading something. Then I won’t retain it because I get mad at myself for wasting all that time reading.

Yes, there is a difference between “book smart” and “street smart.” I would love to tell you about all the times I’ve spent on the street, gettin’ strange and bangin’ with my homies. But I’m not very street either. I’m not very anything really. There’s a little bit of everything going on in my brain. It’s like instead of four professors advising me, I have a hundred slackers putting in just enough of their knowledge to get me by.

Luckily, all of that hardly matters. With enough balls and effort, anything is possible.

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