Today in Music History

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

1961 Petula Clark has her first #1 single in Britain. The same day, 32 British mothers name their newborn babies Petula. Not a one of those 32 British broads grows up happy to be named Petula.

"Spring breeeeaaaaakkk!!!"

1965 — First day of filming on The Beatles‘ second movie, with the working title Eight Arms to Hold You. The young son of a Japanese gaffer on set is so inspired by the title that he begins an obsession culminating decades later with the birth of tentacle hentai.

1971 George Harrison is fined and banned from driving for a year. What is he being fined? Probably for handing out flowers at the airport. My Sweet Lord.

In 1977, members of The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and The Bee Gees have a three-day drunken, drugged-out orgy, after which they all make a pact to never talk about it. In 1978, when all three acts win Grammies and make acceptance speeches, they prove what liars they are.

1978 — David Coverdale’s Whitesnake makes its concert debut at the Sky Bird Club in England. Funny that Coverdale named his band “Whitesnake” after his own penis. Equally funny that every male WNF writer named his penis “Sky Bird Club.”

1978 Sex Pistols front man Sid Vicious is arrested in New York for possession of drugs. Sid’s mother is shocked. She’s the only one.

1979 Dire Straits play their first American show in Boston. (Unfortunately, the Celtics beat them 104-12.) The concert is cut short so they can make a couple quick bucks helping some guy in the front row move some refrigerators, and also, some color TVs.

1985 Stevie Wonder is arrested during an anti-apartheid demonstration outside the South African Embassy in Washington. Just before the cuffs go on, Stevie is thinking to himself that McDonald’s seems awfully busy for a Saturday morning. Wonder is released after questioning by police (“Mr. Wonder, can you tell us what you saw here today?”).

‎1985 The Smiths are #1 on British album charts with Meat Is Murder (But Bacon Is Goddamn Beautiful).

1988 Michael Jackson kicks off the second leg of his Bad World Tour, which is also the debut of his problematic third leg (“allegedly”).

1989 Isaac Hayes is jailed by an Atlanta judge for owing almost $350,000 in child support and alimony. The judge remarks that Isaac is a guilty mother–SHUT YO MOUTH!

Will trade fur coat for crack.

1991 Whitney Houston hits #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart with her version of the Sister Sledge song “All The Man I Need.” Houston adds to the original lyrics a nouveau tagline: “My boo B-Dub gives me free crack.”

1995 — Melvin Franklin of The Temptations dies of a brain seizure at age 52, yet Bob Dylan lives on. Word of Melvin’s death takes months to become publicly known, as the surviving Temptations forget to replace Melvin’s integral position in their grapevine.

1999 Oasis guitarist Paul Arthurs is arrested and jailed overnight for being drunk and disorderly. We at WNF ask: If your last name isn’t Gallagher, how else besides being drunk and disorderly can you prove you’re an Oasis band member? In fact, we should double check to see if Arthurs was actually jailed overnight, or if Oasis was in studio.

2000 — The case against Oasis guitarist Paul Arthurs is dismissed, as authorities thought he was actually Dudley Moore‘s millionaire boozehead character from the movie Arthur. Because, come on, all those Brits look the same and talk like they have a dick in their mouf.

2002 The Bee Gees make their last-ever concert appearance (thank GOD!) in Miami Beach. The band’s doctor will later explain to the public that Barry Gibb’s testicles finally descended that night, thus making their unique sound forever unmaintainable.

2003 Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers bassist Howie Epstein dies of a suspected drug overdose in New Mexico. Tom Petty is quoted as saying, “Have you ever been to New Mexico?” Meanwhile, after Epstein dies, the state of New Mexico goes back to its unpublicized yet well-known slogan, “New Mexico’s Deserts: Free of Wandering Jews Since 1854. Find Another Sandlot, Sons of David…”

The best equipment money could buy.

2003 — News Of The World reports that Michael Jackson has undergone scores of painful operations to strip his body of black skin until he appeared white. Jackson’s skin grafts are subsequently sold on the black market for top dollar. Urban legend will have it that Jackson Jerky increases virility. Negative side effect: boners for boys.

2003 Norah Jones cleans up at the Grammies. (We heard she also made everyone “sammiches.”) A member of the WNF crew used to date Norah Jones. He swears he doesn’t know what Norah was talking about in that song of hers, ’cause she got off every time. Okay, okay, so he never dated her, but he’s been waiting to make a Don’t Know Why I Didn’t Come joke ever since the first time he heard that damn song.

2010 — London’s Abbey Road Studios is made a “listed building,” protecting it from plans to radically alter it. Though, really, its dream was to be listed as “made” and radically alter the face of the Mafia. Alas, it was just one poor English studio’s dream that was never fulfilled…

WNF Honorable Mention goes to the following years: 1962-1964, 1966-1970, 1973, 1975-1977, 1981-1984, 1990, 1992-1994, 1996-1997, 2000-2001 and 2004-2009. While much effort was put in, you guys just didn’t produce enough twistable factoids for us. But kudos on the good ol’ college try!

Music facts courtesy of This Day in Music, which has annoying pop-up video commercials buried way down the page, FYI.

CONTRIBUTORS: J.Miz, Woo, Andrew Hicks, Inscrutable Jeffrey Trotter and Buddah Eskew

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