2010: Year in Review

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

Pop a bottle of champagne. Shoot a gun in the air. Enjoy the lousy, unseasonably warm Smarch weather. And look back with us on 2010 in the news, entertainment and sports.

The BP Oil Spill catapulted almost five million barrels of oil into the Persian Gulf. The images were haunting and made us want to drink more black coffee. Since the oil spill, we at WNF stopped meticulously separating our recycling. Everything goes straight into the landfill now. At 162,000 barrels spilled per day, we figured there was no number of empty aluminum cans of Diet Ruby Red Squirt we could recycle to make up for it. It is our policy at WNF, when presented with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, to give up immediately.

The BP oil rig explosion that led to the spill happened on 4/20. It is purely coincidental that WNF senior staff was vacationing in Louisiana at the time and bragging to all our new Creole friends about the “giant underwater bong” we were going to “go put a torch to.”

Republicans took back a number of seats in the midterm elections. Christine O’Donnell insisted she was not a witch. We insisted, “It’d be a lot cooler if you were.”

The rescued miners in Chile, after spending more than two months trapped underground, emerged looking more well-groomed and better dressed than any of the WNF staff. We found out they’d been working 12-hour shifts the entire time they were stuck in the shaft. Unbelievable. All Baby Jessica ever did was bitch and moan.

It is also WNF‘s opinion that the Chilean Miners were a much better band when they were underground. They sold out harder than the Black Eyed Peas.

The writers at We’re Not Funny cracked a record 1,236 puns that played on the word WikiLeaks. Meanwhile, Nike quietly released a limited special line of Julian Assange-endorsed shoes called WikiSneaks. Make that 1,237 puns.

Disaster was everywhere in 2010. A volcano erupted in Iceland, Nashville and Pakistan flooded, Chile had an earthquake, there was a sinkhole in Guatemala, a landslide struck Machu Pichu, a blizzard pounded the U.S. East Coast, and Lil’ Wayne released a rock-n-roll album. The Haiti earthquake… nah, too soon.

2010 ends with the release of another World of Warcraft expansion. Women the world over are safe from drooling, stuttering, mumbling, sweaty-palmed failed pickup attempts for yet another year.

The entertainment world lost two great classic sitcom stars when Barbara Billingsley and Tom Bosley passed away. Florence Henderson, you’d better watch your ass, mama. These things happen in threes. A comforting fact, though – Meredith Baxter Birney has already died 12 times in heartwrenching Lifetime Original movies, and she seems to be doing just fine

McDonald’s debuted a 50-piece McNugget serving, which finally ended our bitter feud with the fast-food giant over its ridiculously skimpy portions.

There was a big movie about Facebook called The Social Network, which got us thinking: If there was a MySpace movie, the cast would swell to ridiculous proportions around the halfway mark, then everyone would slowly disappear until there was no one left in the movie by the end credits.

WNF co-founder Chris “Woo” Trader refused to abandon MySpace in 2010. He wants to be the last one standing in the rubble of that collapsed social network, so he can triumphantly proclaim, “At last, this truly is My Space!”

The movie Piranha 3D taught us that piranhas have sharp teeth and weak jaws. The forecast is bleak for a female piranha to ever experience an orgasm from oral sex.

In sports, the one-man initiative of golfer Tiger Woods taught us a great lesson — jungle fever cannot be cured by more jungle fever. World Cup soccer made the sport so huge internationally that now there’s even a nasty porn site called 2 Girls, World Cup. Also, New Orleans won the Super Bowl this year but, as usual, got crapped on in every other possible way.

Lindsay II

In entertainment news, England’s Prince William is apparently marrying Lindsay Lohan‘s stunt double. And, after much speculation and deliberation, the producers of American Idol announced their two new judges would be Jennifer Lopez and Cruella Deville.

Miley Cyrus caused controversy when video surfaced of her bumping and grinding at a party with a much older gay man. After the fact, Elton extended Miley’s dad Billy Ray a lengthy oral apology.

Layoffs and mass unemployment continued to be a major concern in 2010. Good thing we quit our jobs two years ago. Foreclosures also held strong this past year. Before the housing bubble burst, the only time most of us guys ever heard the word “foreclosure” was when we broke up with a girl, and they insisting on calling us again. (“Why are you still calling me?” “For closure.”)

We continued to hear way too much about bank bailouts on the news this past year. Three years ago, WNF thought the term Goldman Sachs described the scrotums of the men in the Goldman family.

Cruella Deville

And, of course, 2010 will hold a special place in history because it was the year We’re Not Funny was founded and launched. Ours is one of probably 5 million blogs created this year. Even Mexican drug cartels have blogs now. No wonder nobody’s reading WNF.

Unless we missed it, we were the only comedy site to last the entire year without making any lame Tea Party jokes. “True,” you say, “but you guys didn’t launch WNF until after the election.” Well, we think you need to shut your mouth, bitch.

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