Posts tagged ‘Super Bowl’

February 14, 2012

Whitney

by ANDREW J HICKS

"I wanna smoke a pile of rocks THIS BIG!"

My generation contains a subset of dorky guys who like girls but have a love for the cheesy adult-contemporary and pop hits of the ’80s and ’90s. I’ve got a friend — loves pussy, loves Michael Bolton even more.

Me, I’ve got musical guilty pleasures out the ass, but I have a special fondness for the Hot Diva Pop of the Reagan/Bush/Clinton years. Music that makes you look gay from women you’d love to fuck. I’m talking about early Mariah, Janet, Vanessa Williams, Paula Abdul, Madonna and, yes, Whitney Houston.

So when Whitney was found dead in a hotel room at age 48 last Saturday, it was a cause for mourning and reflection. There were also many crack jokes involved also. Because, let’s face it — it’s funny.

A coworker complained to me that Whitney was no great legend, that she only had like 6 popular songs. I told him I could name 20 Whitney Houston songs that charted. He didn’t believe me. I rattled them off: You Give Good Love, Saving All My Love For You, Greatest Love of All–

Another coworker interrupted: “How many can you name that don’t have the word ‘love’ in the title?”

I got to 19 Whitney songs and blanked. My general manager, who had arrived around the time I listed Song 13, chimed in, “What about [singing] My Name Is Not Susan“? And I had my 20. How could I have forgotten about the WORST Whitney song ever played on the radio? I started singing, “My name is not Bobby, but my husband’s name is.”

Later, I remembered Whitney’s 1991 live version of The Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl. It was released as a single at the height of combat operations during the first Gulf War. You’d better believed it charted. A fourth coworker told me, “You know, at the time, no one had any idea that Whitney lip synched that Super Bowl performance.” I’d had no idea. “Yeah, he said, “saw that one on E! about 6 years ago.”

The weird thing about famous people dying young is, it brings the living closer together, if just in a minor way, for a short amount of time. Whitney, I respect your achievements. I love about 15 of your songs. I even watched your movies. And my coworkers and I had fun remembering you. Rest in peace.

February 9, 2011

Woo’s News, Feb. 9, 2011

by Woo

Superbowl XLV won by the Greenbay Packers

The Packers hold their lead overall to pull off the win. The Steelers might have had more of a chance, but QB Ben Roethlisberger RAPED what should have been a good pass early in the first quarter. Later in the game he took a misstep and RAPED his own knee. Overall, he managed to RAPE his entire team and led them to a loss.

Lindsay Lohan to be charged with felony grand theft of necklace, and Tanning salon sues Lindsay Lohan for $41K unpaid bill

Can’t she just snort herself into a Hendrix-style death so we don’t have to hear about this shit anymore?

Christina Aguilera Gets Another Chance to Recover from Super Fumble

She screwed up the words to the National Anthem. I’m game to give her another chance, so long as Fergie doesn’t get a second chance as well.

Assange Probe Hits Snag

Investigators have run into a wall trying to tie Assange to the initial leak of information. I’m sure if they asked nicely Assange could provide documents outing himself.

Russia’s Top Terrorist Promises More Bombs for Moscow

That dude better watch his ass, I hear in Mother Russia Moscow Bombs You.

The Band LCD Soundsystem Announce Farewell NYC Show

Who?

December 31, 2010

2010: Year in Review

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

Pop a bottle of champagne. Shoot a gun in the air. Enjoy the lousy, unseasonably warm Smarch weather. And look back with us on 2010 in the news, entertainment and sports.

The BP Oil Spill catapulted almost five million barrels of oil into the Persian Gulf. The images were haunting and made us want to drink more black coffee. Since the oil spill, we at WNF stopped meticulously separating our recycling. Everything goes straight into the landfill now. At 162,000 barrels spilled per day, we figured there was no number of empty aluminum cans of Diet Ruby Red Squirt we could recycle to make up for it. It is our policy at WNF, when presented with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, to give up immediately.

The BP oil rig explosion that led to the spill happened on 4/20. It is purely coincidental that WNF senior staff was vacationing in Louisiana at the time and bragging to all our new Creole friends about the “giant underwater bong” we were going to “go put a torch to.”

Republicans took back a number of seats in the midterm elections. Christine O’Donnell insisted she was not a witch. We insisted, “It’d be a lot cooler if you were.”

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