This Week in J.Miz, Volume 14

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Donkey Kong wizard Billy Mitchell can grab J.Miz's bananas anytime, or roll barrels at J.Miz, or climb ladders, or whatever the hell you did in Donkey Kong.

  • Integrity is SO important to me, I refuse to make exceptions. Well, I make an exception for one thing and one thing only: double standards.
  • As I am reconnecting with my Catholic roots, I won’t be dressed as a typical slut for Halloween. Instead, I’m going as an altar boy.
  • Creative people with high IQs are often told that they’re insane and need meds. I think we just need better doctors.
  • Even as a young girl, I knew I could do WHATEVER I put my mouth to.
  • I think the kids on the short bus had it all figured out. I bet THEY never had to write a term paper on The Taming of the Shrew.
  • It’s totally bonkers when I’m out with my boyfriend, and I decide to duck into a bathroom and have spontaneous sex, and then he walks in on it.
  • Jesus loves you more when you keep it real.
  • I hate men who play games. Except for Billy Mitchell. I fucking LOVE him!
  • The bathroom in this Argentinian grill is so dark, I’m not sure if I sat on a toilet or a glory hole.
  • My dentist told me I wasn’t flossing enough, so I bought dubs. He thought I was retarded! But it turns out I’m racist. Because he’s black.
  • J.Miz doesn’t care about bitch-ass people.
  • Jesus made me miss the early train today so I could ride the one with the HOT-ASS conductor. #WearingSkirtOnTheVibratingMetraRailFTW #Ahhhhhhhhhhh
  • Though life is full of scary people, I do not fear necrophiliacs.
  • Dear Suburbs: Yeah. We’re done. kthxbai
  • I was just given the day off at the last minute. My afternoon will now be filled with naps and grilled cheeses. Oh yes, my friends. o.h.y.e.s.
  • My comforter brings all the kittehs to the bed. And they’re like, “It’s betta than yours!”
  • Watched a YouTube video posted by user “golum0734.” I bet THAT guy gets SHIT-TONS of pussy.
  • I prefer that my sleep be man-made.
  • It seems like the day after I have sex, I’m COVERED in bruises. But I think my boyfriend said it best: “Well then stop fighting back, bitch!”
  • In which religious text and on what day did God say, “Let there be religion”? And was that before or after the dinosaurs were on the ark?
  • Here’s a bit of an unknown fact: cats.love.ham. And BOY do they HATE rape!
  • I wish anxiety would manifest in ways other than panic attacks. For instance, an urge to start a freestyle rap battle. That way you’d stave off the attack AND get mad street cred.
  • You’re NEVER too old for sprinkles.
  • Dear Coworker With The Shit Attitude, Like You Hate Your Job: I know about a dozen-plus people who would love ANY JOB! Maybe our boss keeps me working a lot a shifts because I’m a pleasant person who contributes, smiles and acts as if I’m not a miserable fuck. He tells me when to come here, and I come. You’re the ONLY reason your shifts are cut or you get stuck on bitch duty. Buck up, man. You’re only fucking yourself. KTHXBAI

EDITOR’S NOTE: J.Miz has been with WNF since Day One, and we think she’s damn hilarious. Do yourself a favor and follow @JMiz8 on Twitter. –AH

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