New Year’s Resolutions 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY

  • Take down all those David Cassidy posters. But not the Hasselhoffs.
  • Enjoy life and appreciate all the beauty nature has to offer by staying inside and watching “National Geographic” specials.
  • Stop calling every ape we see on Animal Planet “Snooki.”
  • Donate more money toward research into curing the world’s most serious diseases – AIDS, cancer and Bieber fever.
  • Go back in time to the 1995 Grammy Awards, when Michael Bolton’s “Said I Loved You… But I Lied” was nominated for Best Male Performance. Present award, announcing “The winner is… Michael Bolton!” When he comes up to the stage and reaches for his award, take it back, telling him, “Said you won… but I lied.”
  • Help O.J. find the “real killers.”
  • Acknowledge that Pin the Tail on the Donkey is not a bedroom game. And apologize for calling our wife a donkey.
  • Continue to “like” our own jokes on Facebook.
  • Finally relinquish feelings of optimism that our lives will actually go somewhere and just accept the shitpile fate has dealt.
  • We see so many people resolving to quit smoking. I want to be on that bandwagon too! I’m going to start smoking today, so I can quit next year.
  • At least one Elton joke per day. The help of our male writing staff will be immeasurable in accomplishing this, although Elton has offered to measure our male writing staff.
  • We resolve to lose weight. Nothing makes us want to eat less than our own Elton jokes, so we will read them faithfully every morning.
  • Find a new diet method. Our longtime Chocolate and Doritos Diet is obviously not working.
  • Get other nipple pierced.
  • Never again utter the words, “You can use that,” to our comedian friends.
  • Just give the dog peanut butter to eat, without the “strings attached.”
  • There are children in the third world starving, yet our dog eats full meals of people-food leftovers. From this day forward, we promise to think of those starving third world children as we shovel near-whole ribeyes into our doggie’s food dish.
  • Stalk old friends on every social networking site, not just Facebook and LinkedIn.
  • Finally admit to self that Tupac is dead. Try to make sense of that new Tupac song about the black president and two wars overseas.
  • Be more discriminating, re: our dog’s lousy recommendations of which neighbors to abduct and brutally murder.
  • Stop denying the voices in our head their right to action.
  • Cut back the daily viewing of Who’s Nailin’ Palin to twice weekly.
  • Put concerted effort into remembering that babies are in fact breakable and do not enjoy being duct taped to walls, even if it is hilarious.
  • Immerse ourselves into world of underground wizard rock.
  • Stop ejaculating into our wife’s Noxema. We know it’s wrong, but it’s the only way we get to cum on her face.
  • Quit falling for “exotic” European dudes in mankinis.
  • Find a better role model than Riley Freeman from “Boondocks.”
  • Continue to not watch “Glee.”
  • Finally admit the midget from our sexcation was in fact Verne Troyer. Verne gets the WNF writers more than a “little” turned on.
  • Keep injecting that daily dose of heroin. That itching does wonders for our skin.
  • Actually let someone finish a sandwich.
  • Try to meet new sex partners at places other than family reunions. Incest is never okay, even if it is your “hot cousin.”
  • Take the Christmas tree down before Halloween.
  • Get laid three times per movie, just like James Bond!
  • Use telepathic powers to stop Dane Cook’s heart in a way he can cutely and gratingly describe to St. Peter upon his death.
  • Quit believing it’s going to be “just the tip.”
  • Work on getting over the brain freeze that inevitably happens when someone requests a list such as this one or says, “Quick! Say something funny!”
  • By the end of 2011, get a case of Old Style and some fine greens and “other things.” Go out to a wooded area with a lake. Sit down and let that shit happen. We stole that from somewhere, but we can’t remember where.
  • Try to keep track of where we steal our material from.

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