Know your Buddah


  • I am allergic to eggs but eat them anyway cause that’s how I roll.
  • I like small children but, no, not in that way.
  • I have peed in pools countless times.
  • I do not eat green veggies except for lettuce, celery and green crayons.
  • I talk with John Quincy Adams on Facebook. Martin Van Buren, however, is a stuck-up bastard.
  • I want custard pie all the time for no apparent reason.
  • I wish I was a 1940s-era professional baseball player, major league or Negro League.
  • I don’t want to party like it’s 1999 because I made a lot of bad decisions that year.
  • Before getting married, I got my wife’s permission to stay in love with Valerie Bertinelli.
  • My wife Lori is my best friend and true love and always will be.
  • I finished second in the fifth grade spelling bee, and now I can’t spell worth a damned.

  • When I was six, I was afraid of Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
  • I wrecked my first car after only six weeks of ownership… dumbass.
  • I taught my nephew to push plastic model cars down a hill after setting them on fire when I was 11 years old.
  • I love my children dearly.
  • I would like to bathe in cooked pasta just once, so my joke about it would be realistic.
  • Even though it’s one of my standup jokes, I really did have a sex dream about Bea Arthur. YUK!
  • I am getting addicted to White Russians.
  • I think there is a conspiracy against me when I drive in traffic – EVERY DAY!
  • If elected president of the United States there will be malted milk balls for all citizens… except diabetics.
  • I miss my Mom and Dad all the time.
  • I miss Johnny Carson.
  • I miss my favorite TV shows – M*A*S*H, Barney Miller, Taxi and Hill Street Blues. Today’s TV sucks.
  • I fart repeatedly in my sleep… no, really, I do.
  • I have compiled a list of 2000 classic rock songs from the ’60s forward just to entertain myself.
  • I hate the alleged comedy of Dane Freakin’ Cook.
  • I am obsessed with being a standup comedian. As soon as I get offstage, I can’t wait to be back on stage.
  • I had to have my daughter Nicole copy and paste this because I am too stupid to do it myself.

One Comment to “Know your Buddah”

  1. this is perfect. i love it like a fat kid loves cake.

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