Why We Love America

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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  In America, we get our daily exercise by taking the dog for a nice, long walk.

  As a nation, we have been unbelievably tolerant of broads, negroes, homos and retards.

• A pound of fresh fruit costs eight times the price of a box of Kraft Mac-N-Cheese.

• We complain about gas prices while paying $6.40 a gallon for bottled water.

• We have Florida for a penis.

• They took away Milli Vanilli‘s Grammy.

• This simple irony: America is working hard to kill off its working class.

• America has successfully facilitated the three-way union of hillbillies, paintball guns and the TV show Cheaters.

• Personal anecdote: During a private fireworks display last Fourth of July, everyone was watching the fireworks in the sky. Everyone, that is, except the 637-pound gentleman sitting in a lawnchair about to explode from pressure, eating a plate of brownies. Your average plate of brownies might contain two or three brownies, but this dude’s PLATE OF BROWNIES held two or three dozen chocolate squares. The dark night must’ve been messing with his brownie-plate visibility, because he quickly ripped the glow-stick necklace off his son’s neck and ringed it around his paper plate, so he wouldn’t miss any of his chocolate delight. This is by far the most broadly stereotypical American thing any We’re Not Funny staffer has ever witnessed, and it still makes us tear up.

• We capitalize on unfortunate everyday circumstances — having a car or storage unit repossessed — and make them into killer cable reality TV.

• In America, we save water in our public pools. Recipe: Fill two-thirds, then add 10 McDonald’s-grease-laden plumpy fuckers. Then watch the water level magically rise to the top.

• We have Twofer Tuesdays. Try getting that in a non-American-speaking country like Mexico. ¿Dos por Martes? We’re not buying that for a second!

• We blame our iniquities on other cultures. Didn’t pay you for the bet I made? I welshed on it. Conned you into selling me your 2002 Honda for half of its value? I gyped you. Told you that you could have my CD collection but didn’t give it up? I was an Indian giver. Tried to haggle you on price? I was Jewing you down. I did something stupid? I’m a Polack. I knocked on your door and ran away? Well, we’ll leave that one out…

• Only in America would you be given every opportunity known to the human race, only to find yourself 50 years old, toothless, broke, living in a trailer park and proudly owning a Cadillac Escalade. We love American priorities.

• We get to make fun of everything we love, including our country.

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CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Cline, Michelle Dee, Eric Dohman, Scotty Harris, J.Miz, Ryan Krause, Lola Tucker and Woo