Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century, Part 3

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

—

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgement to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. Click here to read Fyler’s previous Devil’s Guides. –AJH]

—

Agnosticism: Theological bet-hedging.

Airplane: The dream of gods and heroes, an airplane is a magical conveyance that allows man finally to achieve the goal of flight. So magnificent is it, in fact, that it requires the invention of a special device – the airline – to turn it into a soul-sucking cavalcade of human misery. 21st century airlines are very good at their job.

Alcohol: Evolution’s accelerator pedal.

Bank: A legalised consortium of thieves, scoundrels and extortionists which, against all the laws of mathematics, collectively manages to achieve a moral standard somehow lower than any of its parts.

Baseball: The least imaginative use ever made of a baseball bat.

BFF (Best Friends Forever): A promise made by people too shallow to understand that “forever” extends beyond next week.

Capitalism: Economic system that gives the rights of personhood to corporations and the rights of deities to currencies, in the belief that money, if sufficiently worshipped, will reproduce.

Catholicism: Pyramid scheme with pointy hats and promises.

Celebrity: Egomaniac with entertainment value.

Chocolate:  Throughout the whole of recorded history, mystics, alchemists and other assorted hippies have searched and toiled and sweated to discover the distilled elixir of life. Now available at Walmart.

Cocaine: Sugar for those with more money than sense.

Coalition: System of government specifically designed to ensure nobody gets what they want. A finely-tuned misery engine, in essence.

Communism: Economic and political system based on the idea that many idiots are better than one.

Compromise: A 21st century notion by which everybody loses. Originally the invention of desperate parents of multiple siblings, it was never meant to be taken seriously by anyone over the age of 8.

Credit Card: A plastic lie which guarantees not only its own discovery but also its own punishment.

Cynicism: Accuracy.

Debt Ceiling: The economic value of exactly how much sincerity can be forced into this statement: “The check is in the mail.”

Ecology: The idea that extinction should be avoided at all costs. Currently unsupported by large groups of people who appear to believe that, so long as everyone else dies first, they win.

Fashion: A subtle co-mixture of style and stupidity.

Fast Food:  If you watch chimpanzees eat, several facts become apparent. They eat with their hands, grunt and squeal unintelligibly and will, if the occasion demands it, happily ingest a mouthful of feces. The theory of evolution claims mankind diverged from his chimpanzee cousins some 5-7 million years ago. Fast food restaurants prove that the theory of evolution may not be all it’s cracked up to be.

Gym: A voluntary torture chamber.

Gymnastics: Sadomasochism with a scoring system.

Homeland Security: The notion that the nation can only be truly safe once everyone’s under suspicion.

iMac: The supermodel of computers – very pretty to look at but functionally illiterate.

Infomercial: An extended commercial. Strict linguists are now demanding these be referred to more accurately as “bullshimercials.”

Islam: A relatively immature religion, currently going through its teenage phase of slamming doors, yelling “I never asked to be manifested!” and killing thousands of people for no readily identifiable reason. Many Christians look down on Islam for this kind of behaviour, almost as if the 15th century never happened. Or the 16th century. Or the 17th, come to that.

Journalism: An alternative to earning an honest living.

Looting: Revolution for personal gain.

Microsoft: The ultimate profanity. Known euphemistically as “the M Bomb,” it is generally only used when all other linguistic ordinances have been exhausted. Sadly, the nature of 21st century work means the M Bomb can be heard in every office in the world on a daily basis. Usually around two minutes before an important deadline or meeting.

NASCAR: A popular motorsport, the chief attraction of which appears to be the opportunity to watch hillbillies explode into greasy balls of flame.

Nouvelle Cuisine: The Emperor’s new dinner.

Novelist: A professional liar.

Olympics: The celebration of a collection of sports that no one gave a flying 50-yard fuck about for the past three years and 50 weeks.

O’Reilly, Bill: Proof that 3.5 million people can be wrong after all.

Philosophy: The contemplation of the universe’s navel, and the investment of serious time and effort in trying to describe the fluff found therein.

Ready Meals: Food that should come with a handful of barbiturates or a shotgun to take the taste away.

Resumé: A structured lie.

Romance: Man’s most effective sexual lubricant. Also, in the long run, his most expensive. It is possible there is some sort of mystical connection between these two facts.

Search Engine: Device that makes actual searching entirely obsolete. Should more accurately be described as a command engine. Or a genie.

Sobriety: State of being which allows one to see things as they actually are. The history of mankind has been one long flight from such a ghastly prospect.

Staycation: The fashionable name for sitting your poor ass on the couch.

TiVo: Device that allows you to record television programmes you didn’t care enough about to watch and store them so you can not watch them over and over and over again.

Twitter: Website where those who can only be interesting or funny for 140 characters or fewer are the most successful.

Walmart: Ultimate 21st century practitioner of the Find The Lady trick, the “lady” in this case being sweatshop production labor, de-unionised store labor, minimum-wage exploitation and shoddy product quality. But ooh, look, sneakers for a dollar ninety-five. How do they do that?

WMDs: Weapons of mass destruction. In the 21st century, these were discovered to be not only invisible but actually nonexistent.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

• My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.

• Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.

• Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.

• My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”

• I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

• This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.

• Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.

• Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.

• I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.

• If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.

• There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

• I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.

• Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.

• I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.

• I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.

• I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

• At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.

• According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.

• My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.

• My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.

• I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

• I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.

• I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”

• My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.

• A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”

• I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.

• Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?

• I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

• I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.

• The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!

• Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.

• Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

• Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.

• To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.

• Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.

• My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.

• No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.

• My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.

• My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!