Announcing Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook Friend Contest Winner

G.I. Joe's Destro, off to refinance his home.

by ANDREW HICKS and ERTEL GRAY

Last week, we announced our first We’re Not Funny contest — Be Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook Friend. Which inspired 53 friend requests and 253 people asking themselves the question, “Who the freak is Ertel Gray?”

While we still can’t answer that specific query, we can tell you Ertel took this contest very seriously, putting together a grand-prize package said at press time to include a crayon drawing (“really cheesy, think third-grade art project”) of Ertel and his new friend, a bobblehead of Destro from G.I. Joe, and a copy of the SyFy original movie Revenge of the Rats.

“It’s a horrible movie, and I have a HUGE fear of rats/mice,” remarks Ertel, “so giving away Revenge of the Rats will be a double blessing.”

This prize package will be sent via postal service to the lucky winner, whose name is…

Before I announce the winner, I’d like to mention that Ertel received requests from strangers, friends of friends and people from Ertel’s hometown. Ertel decided not to consider anyone who lived close to home, because, a) Who wants to mail a package around the block? and b) “Every time I’d run into them, there’d be that awkward pause, followed by, ‘Hey, remember that time…?’ ‘YES, I REMEMBER, GOD DAMMIT!'”

The winning entrant in this contest is…

Wait a minute, don’t you want to know more about Ertel? Of course you do. Where does Ertel live? you ask. Well, which state do you think he lives in? New Mexico? Alabama? One of those Dakotas? Ertel Gray lives in Pennsylvania, “like right smack dab in the middle of the entire state. Home of the Little League World Series and a ghost town resulting from a coal-mine fire that started over 30 years ago and is STILL burning.”

Billy Joel went down an alphabetical list of small Pennsylvania towns until he found one with three syllables.

Pennsylvania’s Ertel Gray names his contest-winning 500th Facebook friend, a no-doubt proud soul known as…

Hold on, I can’t let you go yet. Ertel has more to say about central Pennsylvania: “It’s pretty tame, kinda blah. No one would bother immortalizing it in a song, except for Billy Joel, who wrote ‘Allentown.’ I’m pretty sure the residents are still scratching their heads over that, like, ‘Honestly?! Us? He couldn’t write about Grand Rapids, Michigan?'”

Anyway, the winner of We’re Not Funny’s Be Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook Friend Contest is… *drumroll* Nichole Gunther Dunphy!

Don’t know who Nichole Gunther Dunphy is? Well, that shouldn’t be surprising. You didn’t know who Ertel Gray was, so she’s the brand new friend you don’t know of the guy you didn’t know. Read on as Ertel address his new friend directly:

“Well, Nichole, you’ve done it. You’ve outlasted, outwitted and flat-out outplayed all the other Survivors out there to become my official 500th friend. I sincerely hope you enjoy the items I picked out from the multitude of random things around my apartment.”

We’ll devote another piece to interviewing Nichole Gunther Dunphy to see how her Ertel Gray Facebook friend experience is working out. In the meantime, you should know Ertel plans to go on a Facebook friend-whoring spree. If you’d like to be considered in this social networking gang bang, please click here to send Ertel a friend request.

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