Posts tagged ‘Tiger’s Blood’

March 3, 2011

A Charlie Sheen Rant, Dr. Seuss-Style

by KATE HAYES
special to WE’RE NOT FUNNY

[EDITOR’S NOTE: WNF staff is still taking the week off, but timeliness forces me off my butt to post the following rant written as Charlie Sheen in the style of Dr. Seuss, who would have turned 107 yesterday if he wasn’t busy being not alive anymore. If you like what you see here, please check out Kate’s blog, Adventures in Parenting. –Andrew Hicks]

I’m Charlie Sheen, and I like to win.
Don’t give me that look. Don’t judge me in sin.

You scoff at my mind ’cause your brain can’t behold it.
How could you, when it took Adonis to mold it?

Adonis? Who’s he? What’s that, you say?
I said I’ve the genes of a god in my DNA.

The genes of a god and the blood of a tiger.
You can measure my gamma rays using a Geiger.

I’m winning here, and I’m winning there.
Winning, winning everywhere!

I had a hit show called “Two and a Half Men.”
It would have been nothing without my ken.

That means “knowledge,” for all you losers.
You suck, just like my show’s producers.

The fun ends at one when they arrive on the set.
They puke on my genius. No thanks do I get!

I called them some names and they canceled the show.
Sad trolls. What a way to throw out good dough!

I’m going to sue. TO SUE! Wouldn’t you?
I’ll sue for money and gold and their toupees too.

I’ll be winning here and winning hair!
Winning, winning everywhere!

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