Posts tagged ‘Ringo Starr’

November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving ExtravaGaganza

by ANDREW J HICKS and ERTEL GRAY

Soundalike dance songs about turkeys. For an hour and a half. Enjoy, world!

The first Thanksgiving took place 490 years ago. Miles Standish deep fried a turkey, Pocahontas brought over a crapload of Boone’s Farm, and Squanto provided the blunts. Everyone ate, drank, smoked and listened to the music of the Thompson Twins*. Thus, a tradition was born.

The ins and outs of Thanksgiving remained relatively unchanged until 1887, when canned fruits and meats were introduced to the market. Suddenly, Thanksgiving was a time for turkey, Boone’s Farm, blunts and a bowl of jellied cranberry sauce, wiggling and still in the shape of the can. In the century-plus since, no one has ever actually eaten the cranberry sauce. It just sits there. It’s the Ringo Starr of the Turkey Day feast.

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May 25, 2011

Song Challenge 15: Most Shameless Song About Jailbait

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 15: MOST SHAMELESS SONG ABOUT JAILBAIT

Barney's "friends."

JAMES DRAPER
“I Love You, You Love Me,” by Barney the Dinosaur.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That dirty bastard Gary Puckett and his perv-o buddies the Union Gap confessed and harmonized their obsession with Young Girl. (“Young girl, get out of my mind / My love for you is way outta line / You’d better run, girl! / You’re much too young, girl!”) Seriously, that entire song is about a guy who’s popping a chubby over the neighborhood girl scout.

ANDREW HICKS
I get creeped-out chills when I hear Ringo congratulate that girl in the song on turning 16. I figure he’s had his eye on her for awhile.

J.MIZ
“Meet My Ex-Boyfriend,” by J.Miz.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Since he’s been found with child porn on his computer, deported from Cambodia for suspected statutory rape and convicted in Vietnam of statutory rape, it’s hard not to read meaning into some of Gary Glitter‘s supposedly innocuous lyrics. I think a good rule of thumb would be to assume any songwriter named Gary is a pedophile.

ANDREW HICKS
Googled G. Glitter. When he was convicted for his kid porn, the judge noted that his stash was “carefully, deliberately and enthusiastically done.” No joke necessary. This guy was clearly a connoisseur.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I am now going over the lyrics of Rascal Flatts songs to find evidence of the secret yearnings of high-voiced lead singer Gary LeVox.

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