Posts tagged ‘Nancy Reagan’

August 9, 2011

Fake Facebook Forwards From Fools

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

PARENT ALERT…..there is somebody called Harry Graham requesting kids on facebook to be his friend. He is posing as a 14yr old when actually he is a 48 yr.old man. He is known to the police. Please be aware and tell everyone you know. We must keep our kids safe…..please, please copy and paste.

–Recent false Facebook status forward

This middle-aged man, who is not real, poses as a 14-year-old, who is not real, on Facebook. And goddamn, check out that hair! Thanks gocryemokid.com

We all have idiot Facebook friends who forward unsubstantiated lies like these as gospel truth. They just post this stuff, of course. They never try to research or dirt-dig or verify facts. And see, I go on Facebook to read exciting things. I take pride in my friend group, and I want to hear about, for instance, a baby oil/Twister threesome with conjoined amputee twins. Then I want to leave a comment below the status asking, “Is sex with conjoined amputees really a threesome?”

Instead, my news feed is clogged with this crap. They invade my Facebook like Germany invaded Poland. These copy-‘n-paste statuses are basically barometers to gauge how many of your friends chew with their mouths open, refer to Walmart as “Wally World” and write lengthy erotic short stories involving the cast of “Hee Haw” in contrived porno scenarios. More people on the Internet than you might think immortalize their elaborate sex fantasies about long-cancelled TV shows in 2,000-word fan-fiction prose.

So, in an effort to dispel yet another Facebook chain post, with a little detective work, I decided to pick this one apart, phrase by phrase:

PARENT ALERT…..
Yes, parents, please take some time away from Farmville and do your civic duty. Alert your neighbors and relatives to the latest menace stalking Facebook. We everyday folk have to spread the word because the FBI aren’t getting on Facebook themselves to tell us. Government agencies are lazy and technologically backward. *ahem* What?! No, we’re not talking about you, Deparment of Homeland Security!

there is somebody [bad grammar] called Harry Graham requesting kids on facebook to be his friend.
I did a quick Google search on this dastardly Harry Graham. The top match is for English poet Harry Graham, 1873-1936 — which, if this is the Harry Graham in question, your first question should be, “How are you communicating to us from beyond the grave?” Then you should tell resurrected English poet Harry Graham, “I read on your Wikipedia page that Harry is only a nickname for you, and your real name is Jocelyn. That’s a sissy name. Why are you trying to friend my 13 year old, sissy?” The next top match is Scottish professional cricketer Harry Graham, 1887-? This Mr. Graham is more suspect, since no determined date of death is known, though it is generally accepted that he died sometime after 1925. Which clearly makes him “hide yo kids, hide yo wife” material.

He is posing as a 14yr old when actually he is a 48 yr.old man.
True story: I saw a “hipster dad” the other day, black cargo shorts, hair dyed jet black, pierced lip, etc. I found it especially ironic and stunning that a man who was clearly older than me preferred Escape the Fate (the post-hardcore band pictured on his T-shirt) to Foghat. I thought maybe I’d entered some strange vortex melding and skewing the timelines I was used to. Shouldn’t this guy be telling me that Bad Company’s first album was their best? I thought to myself, Where… are… we? That it only took the thought of Nancy Reagan sitting on Mr. T’s lap to ease my anxiety is a testament to how far we’ve come in pop culture-related therapy exercises.

He is known to the police
Apparently, his band, Harry Graham and The 14/48 Year Olds opened for The Police at two dates during their ’79 Red Light Tour. Sting was quoted at the time as saying, “Really guys, we couldn’t get Dire Straits to open?”

Please be aware and tell everyone you know. We must keep our kids safe…..
Yes, we must keep our kids safe. That’s indisputable. If not morally, then by law we’re bound to keep children safe. So let’s let them make profiles they can easily hide from us as parents, since we’re not as tech-savvy as they are.

please, please copy and paste.
I imagined this closing line delivered in ultra-dramatic, Lifetime Channel Original Movie-style by Sally Field, Meredith Baxter-Birney or perhaps even Buddah’s fantasy gal Valerie Bertinelli.
In conclusion, I’d like Sally, Meredith and Valerie to dig deep into their emotion-filled past and implore the users of Facebook to please PLEASE think twice before copying and pasting status updates that make you look like an uneducated dullard.

Repost if you AGREE!

July 4, 2011

Great Dates in U.S. History

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Paul Revere was the only Founding Father who had his own genie.

1773 – During a fierce intercontinental orgy, Paul Revere first shouts his signature phrase, “The British are coming!”

1776 – Signing day for the Declaration of Independence, and no one brings a pen. An enterprising Edward Papermate sells his first 12 pack of crappy disposables.

1792 – After years of horrible dry-mouthed hangovers, Eli Whitney scraps his original “cotton gin” project.

1812 – Some war is fought that future generations won’t know shit about.

1833 – At Strom Thurmond‘s Super Sweet 16 party, Strom yells at his dad for getting him a Mexican slave as a birthday gift. (“But Dad! I said I wanted a black one! You’re ruining my life! This birthday sucks! I HATE YOU!”)

1863 – One hour after awakening from a wicked bender, Abraham Lincoln is heard to scream, “I freed WHO?!”

1865 – Despite a very promising horoscope, Robert E. Lee realizes today is NOT going to be a good day.

1906Orville and Wilbur Wright each eat five grams of psilocybin mushrooms and REALLY fly.

1929 – America is plunged into a Great Depression. For a decade, America lies on the couch in sweatpants all day and night, with curtains drawn, getting no enjoyment from everyday activity.

1938 – The automobile is given a back seat, leading to a population explosion.

1963Ralph Kramden is arrested for domestic violence after finally sending Alice to the moon.

1969 – While walking on the moon, Neil Armstrong retrieves a dazed Alice and brings her back to Earth.

1981Wham! is formed, and American/British relations become very gay.

1984Nancy Reagan tells America’s youth to “just say no” to drugs, while Ronald Reagan orders the CIA to infiltrate the nation’s ghettos with a shit-ton of crack cocaine.

1985 – No cure for Parkinson’s disease is found.

1989 – Release of comedy classic Look Who’s Talking. We just love that movie. It’s Bruce Willis doing the voice over for a baby — come on, what’s not to love?

‎1995Monica Lewinsky gets private lessons on how to smoke a cigar. With her vagina.

2001Michael J. Fox takes the Delorean back to 1985 to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease.

‎2009 – The socially disturbing documentary Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is released. Virginia, which politely asked West Virginia to leave 150 years ago, now files for a legal separation.

2011 – Comedy website We’re Not Funny celebrates its 200th post on July 5.

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, James Draper, Buddah Eskew, Ryan Krause, Saracakes and Lola Tucker