Posts tagged ‘Karaoke’

November 9, 2011

The Majesty of Karaoke

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Karaoke: Where the world's most attractive people huddle together and scream beautifully into a microphone.

“For every failed singer in this world, there is a karaoke DJ eating his weight in hot wings by dim light.”
-Voltaire

The ancient Japanese art of karaoke has never really seemed to hit its zenith in America. Even today, every bar you go to has at least one karaoke night on its chalkboard schedule, nestled between $2 Pitcher Tuesday and Thirsty Thursday.

So what’s the appeal? For every Joe Average, maybe it’s the dream of wooing a lady friend with a mystical version of Peter Frampton‘s “Baby, I Love Your Way.” In reality, the alcohol involved always seems to transform Frampton’s ode to loving a female’s way into a horribly off-key, off-rhythm “‘OohbabeeILove…’ where am I? The damn screen’s moving too fast. Where’s Brenda at? Get up here, y’whore! ‘WannaTeeellYou…'”

Karaoke, at its crux, is basic good fun. No one’s there to judge your performance. Oh sure, that guy who just threw up on his shirt sorta looks like Simon Cowell, but remember: you’re wearing beer goggles. I lied about the “no one’s judging you” thing, actually. If you’re singing, you should be aware that I am judging you based on pitch, vocal range and choice of material. I am your own… personal… Cowell.

But you’re not going to win a recording contract and/or make millions with me. I’m judging you solely because I don’t want to make the same mistakes you do. Recently, I made plans to go out with a girl (yeah, I was surprised, too) who absolutely loves to sing. And apparently displays the same lack of shame that I do. A keeper? After tonight’s debacle? Right? (Right!) You’re bloody well right!

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May 17, 2011

Coming Soon to WNF

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

First rule of fake coupons: Don't superimpose the word "FAKE" in huge blue letters. It's a dead giveaway.

We’re Not Funny recently completed its first six months of publication. That’s 150+ posts, 30+ contributors and, I dunno, a dozen scattered, polite laughs from our readership. Now that we’re established as an Internet comedy magazine to be reckoned with, it’s time to move onward and upward with new features to keep website visitors coming back again and again.

Here are just a few of the improvements you can expect from the second half of the first year of the WNF website.

  • Pre-Filled New York Times Crossword Puzzle. Scan in a sample of your handwriting, email it to us, and each day’s puzzle will arrive in PDF, already appearing to have been filled out in pen with absolutely no mistakes. Impress your family, friends and, actually, no one at all.
  • Fake coupons to your favorite stores and restaurants that look like the real thing. Have the shopping or dining experience of your life by whipping out “100% Off” and “Buy Zero, Get Six Free” coupons.
  • J.Miz‘s Pornographic Origami Cutout Corner.
  • Weather With Woo, 5-Day Forecast. (“Sunday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Monday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Tuesday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Wednesday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Thursday — chance of rain.”)
  • WNF Personals, with profiles of over 5,000 “hot chicks” who are all secretly Buddah Eskew.
  • “Who the Freak is Ertel Gray: A 200-Part Editorial.”
  • Andrew Hicks combines his best jokes into the new column Obscure Pop Culture References No One Fucking Gets.