Posts tagged ‘Chris Hansen’

August 25, 2011

Catching Up With the Caught

NBC has made a newsmagazine staple out of its show To Catch a Predator. If you’ve never seen it, the TCAP camera crew catches creepy gentlemen of all shapes and sizes who enter police sting setups thinking they’re inches away from a sex meeting with a piece of chat room jailbait. Then Chris Hansen — now a C-list household name — shows up to conduct a smarmy, awkward interview before the alleged perv is carted off to jail.

You might be curious about what has happened to some of the most memorable bad guys from TCAP in the years since their pedo-busts aired on TV in between commercials for Tide and Burger King. Here are 7 follow-up stories, as We’re Not Funny presents…

CATCHING UP WITH THE CAUGHT

1. In 2006, David Kaye was enjoying a prosperous run as the only practicing rabbi in California to perform female circumcisions at bat mitzvahs. Then it all came crashing down as Kaye showed up to a TCAP sting house bare-chested and bearing iced oatmeal cookies and Four Loko. He’s since served three years in prison and, upon being paroled, entered into an intense right-wing Christian counseling program that not only “cured” him of his self-proclaimed “shorty fetish” but also his “case of the gayzies.”

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2. John Rumsfeld of Ocean City was busted by Hansen just four days before he was scheduled to serve a sentence for another sex-solicitation charge. “I’d just seen that movie Double Jeopardy, and I figured I couldn’t be charged twice for committing the same crime. I didn’t realize they meant the exact same crime on the same victim. Oh well, what’s another few years in jail? Anyway, have you seen Ashley Judd’s kid in Double Jeopardy? Hotttttt!” In 2011, Rumsfeld is a sweater-wearing trolley operator, and he volunteers at the Olsen Twin Wax Museum on Senior Day.

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March 10, 2011

Vag-a-Bond

A TASTEFUL J.MIZ DISCUSSION
edited by ANDREW HICKS


J.MIZ
Riding in the car with my brother, and he’s flipping radio stations. His moment of resignation unfortunately came from a station that went from Luda to Ke$ha. HALP! Think I have a brain bleed ):

ANDREW J HICKS
Speaking of Ke$ha, you can’t spell “vagabond” without “vag.”

J.MIZ
You can’t spell “dick” without… “dick.”
Why did my brain just create a combo of Gold Bond/denture cream for pussy?! “Vag-a-Bond! Keeps you fresh AND reduces slippage by sealing your vag tight as the day you were born! Vag-a-Bond!”
Testimonial: “I’m wearing it right now!”
Cue salsa music and two 70-somethings dancing in Puerto Rico… “Oy vey, I need a nap…” VAG-A-BOND!

ANDREW J HICKS
I dunno. Maybe I’m just biased against 70-year-old vaginas.

J.MIZ
Hey man, don’t knock 70-year-old vag till ya try it! Especially with all the strides in vagiplasty! On my 40th birthday, I’m going in for a “preteen” nip and tuck!
“Yeah, she’s forty, but she has the pussy of a ten year old!” says my future husband/celebrity pedo. And by “celebrity,” I mean he’s had a sit-down with Chris Hansen. He was the one with the four pack of purple Four Loko and the red vines. He gets out in 2013! Can’t wait! Excite! (:
And Andrew, there comes a time when you must choose between 70-year-old cooch and 70- year-old balls! WHAT DO YOU DO?!
“In a world… where all genitalia is 70… there is one man, and one man only… who will fight to renew the junk of this post-apocalyptic world… This man is THE TAINT MASTER! He alone can bring youth to a cold, dead world’s nether regions!”
Starring Bruce Campbell as Andrew P Keaton.
Jus so you know, J.Miz had the best junk discussion today!

ANDREW J HICKS
It’s Ke$ha. Say what you will about her, but she really gets us ordinary Americans talking about elderly junk like no recording artist since maybe Grace Jones.

J.MIZ
She’s sooooo young, but she has the puss of the Crypt Keeper! Ah heh heh he heh!