Online Dating Profile Disqualifications

edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Enjoys inflating heart-shaped balloons a little too much. Next!

I keep seeing other people’s posts about online dating, so I’m gonna go check out one of these matchmaking sites and see what kind of girls I can find.

*starts scrolling through profiles*

Okay, 25? Looks 50. Next!

Favorite book is Twilight. Next!

Favorite TV show is “Jersey Shore.” Next!

Single mother. Next!

Religious. Next!

Part of the 99%. Next!

Tea Partier. Next!

Too chubby. Next!

Too skinny. Next!

From Pekin, Ill. Next!


Looking for a tough man. Next!

Makes less than $20,000 a year. Next!

Luvs to paaartay hard in the name of Cthullu! Not sure what that means. Next!

Missing a limb or two. Next!

Has an extra limb or two. Next!

Thinks Steve Jobs was a messiah. Next!

Has developed a coke addiction and won’t share. Next!

Gets uptight when I make a joke about a stereotype, then asks me to run the light if a black guy walks by the car. Next!

Is into threesomes but only with another guy. Next!

Doesn’t like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Next!

Knows what a Juggalo is. Next!

Carries around one of those little dogs in her purse and pretends it talks in conversations. Next!

Refuses to cook. Next!

Well I guess that just leaves this last girl. She seems normal enough… Kinda cute. I’m gonna go check out some more pictures… WAIT, SHE HAS A PENIS! Damn. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.

[NARRATOR: And just like that, another match is made at Plenty of Fish — matching picky guys and chicks with dicks since 2009.]

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