Lola’s Nutella Lunacy

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Nutella is the new water.

For two years, I have measured, weighed and calculated every morsel of food that I have consumed. I’ve counted calories, carbs, protein, fat grams and fiber content. I’ve said “no” far more often than “yes” to the foods I love. I’ve given up most everything that is white – rice, pasta, sugar, flour and whipped cream. Yes, I’ve lost a ton of weight; yes, I’m much happier thin than heavy; and yes, I’m freaking STARVING!

Enter Nutella, that blissfully silky substance made of hazelnuts, chocolate and sugar. I eat Nutella and peanut butter on pretzels. I eat Nutella on English muffins. I eat Nutella on a spoon inside my mouth. It melts on my tongue and just plain makes me happy. My ass may just grow large enough to get its own cell phone line thanks to that damn jar of Nutella.

Somewhere, a very official group of people is having a meeting in a strip club at lunchtime. They’re paying no attention to the strippers. They’re there to eat from the free Manwich buffet as they thinktank the next great food product with little-to-no nutritional value that will blow up your waistline and cost you a small fortune at the grocery store.

Can you picture this well-dressed band of food-industry reprobates? Well, they’re the ones who brought us Nutella, and soon enough, they’ll give us something else that’s saturated in palm oil, which I didn’t even know was still legal to cook with.

Back to the topic of me starving myself and losing weight: I joined the gym and have been going at least four days a week, so I can eat more and still weigh the same. Lately, though, I’ve been eating a ton of the wrong stuff. Not just Nutella, either. There’s a voice that whispers in my ear when I visit the supermarket: “Buy some Grandma Utz’s Lard-Fried Potato Chips. Go ahead, Lola, you have a family at home — get the Family Size bag.”

When I find out who that whispering little bitch is, I’m gonna punch her in the larynx. Let’s see her try and whisper then. She’ll be eating her Nutella through a straw. Which, admittedly, still sounds damn delicious.

I’m hoping my junk-food overindulgence is just a phase. Maybe it’s hormone-related. More likely, it’s the dam-burst result of two years of calorie deprivation. I think the thing I need to keep in mind for myself is balance. Balance makes things bearable. Balance keeps us sane. It’s good to be healthy, but it’s good to take joy in the simple pleasures once in a while. Especially Nutella, potato chips and the sweetest taboo of them all: palm oil.

One Comment to “Lola’s Nutella Lunacy”

  1. Testify! Who ARE those whispering gits?? Wish they’d shut the Hell up…

    Mmmmm…hazlenutty goooooodnesss….(drools into his computer, ignores the sparks as it fuses)

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