Famous Literary Quotes

by ANDREW HICKS, WOO, ERIC DOHMAN and TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

“The horse owned the feed silo that the chicken ate from, the chicken would wash the car of the sheep. At one point, the donkey decided to vote Republican.”
-George Orwell, Animal Farm

“I wouldn’t call it a sex toy per se, but it does have all needed parts, my dear.”
-Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“That’s what I have: Up Syndrome!”
-Chris Burke, My Name Is Not Corky

“YORK Jeff 2591 Hicks Pike 48791…………….414 234-03​36.”
The Real White Pages, Madison, Wis.

‎”I gave Bernie Leibowitz a toy airplane for his tenth birthday, and he never wrote me a thank you note. Who doesn’t write a thank you note? A Jew, that’s who!”
-Adolph Hitler, Mein Kampf

“At Christmas party, drink one bottle of gin and gently place breasts on copy surface. Press 100 then start.”
-Xerox 914 Operating Manual

“This one thing happened. Man, I hate that. It’s so phony. Then something else happened. It killed me. I did such and such like a madman. I got a bang out of it.”
-J.D. Salinger, Catcher In The Rye

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clock was striking thirteen. Winston Smith shuffled past. ‘Stupid fucking clock,’ he muttered, kicking a stone and getting back to work.”
-George Orwell, 1984

“Call me Ishmael again, and I’ll kick you so hard your grandchildren will limp”
-Herman Melville, Moby Dick

“My homie friend Jim helped paddle our raft away from the shore and toward his homie family, a family full of rich brown homies.”
Mark Twain, Huck Finn (politically correct version)

“‎SERIES FINALE: Tony decides to prove who’s really the boss, sets fire to house and flees to Canada.”
TV Guide listings, 5/24/1992

“And after three days, as the people set about memorizing the Commandments, Moses snuck off for a quick smoke. And as he puffed, he did mutter unto himself, ‘Holy crap, they bought it… These people are freakin’ morons…'”
-Exodus 12:7

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. All in all, it was a pretty confusing time.”
-Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

“‘Shit, anybody know how to turn this thing around?'”
-Joyce Annette Barnes, Amistad

“Atlas was indifferent; if he wasn’t ignoring or outright dismissing you, he would simply shrug.”
-Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

“Once the stick is firmly into the ass, you twist it very hard, and he will relinquish any secret information you wish about the enemy government.”
-Sun Tzu, The Art Of War

“And they all lived happily ever after. Well, except the ugly sisters, obviously, who had their eyes viciously pecked out by birds.”
-Charles Perrault, Cinderella

“So I told that bitch, ‘Look, smoking weed and fuckin bitches is what I do, but I’m gonna be famous, and I will make you famous, too.'”
-William Jefferson Clinton, My Life

“You’re NOT gonna BELIEVE how ANGRY these GRAPES ACTUALLY ARE!”
John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath, dramatized book-on-tape infomercial pitch

“You can’t make this shit up.”
-Revelation 19:17

“If you’re really clever, you’ll go to war under false pretenses, kill that dictator who had it in for your dad, occupy the country, control all their oil, give fat government contracts to all your buddies to ‘rebuild’ the country, then get elected for a second term.”
-Machievelli, The Prince

“She was the finest girl in all the seventh grade, and none of us rugged middle-aged gentlemen could wait for that kid to get her period.”
-Vladamir Nabokov, Lolita

“I always felt I was a cut above the rest.”
-O.J. Simpson, I Didn’t Kill Those Guys, Alright? But If I Were to Hypothetically Murder Those Two People, This Is How I Would’ve Done It: The Graphic Novel

” ”
-Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

“Meanwhile in peerless Ilion,
Helen and her maid got it on,
And while Prince Paris went to war
The lady kissed her chamber-whore,
And twined in arms, they snuck away
To live and love another day,
While pomp-filled Paris wept his loss,
Though no-one else then gave a toss.”
-Homer, Iliad, Book 21

“STOP”
Custom Products Corp. Traffic Sign Catalog, 2011 edition

“Cooked shit, took shit, banged the waitresses, cooked some more shit, blacked out, passed out, woke up, cooked some shit, drank some shit, cooked some more shit…”
-Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential

“‘Pull dis bitch over, I need to pick up a 20 sack, pookie,’ said M.C. Daisy.”
-Louis L’Amour, Driving M.C. Daisy

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTOR: Probably Matt Linville

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