Stereotypes

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

On the next COPS: "Ma'am, step out of the cooler. Ma'am... step out of the cooler."

Have you ever run into people who actually FIT a certain stereotype? Like the archetypical redneck, aka Guy Voted Most Likely To Be Arrested on COPS While Shirtless in a Pair of Cutoffs, Cigarette Dangling From His Thickly Moustached Lips, Spreadeagle in a Stained La-Z-Boy Recliner With a Glazed-Over, Not-Shocked-in-the-Least-To-See-the-Police-Within-the-Confines-of-His-Modular-Home Look in His Eyes?

Or perhaps you’ve borne witness to the dumb, post-high school jock who STILL insists on calling you Squirt Stain 15 years after he supposedly “caught” you masturbating onto a urinal cake in the boys bathroom, when all you were really trying to do was zip your pants up?

I have, and boy, it ain’t pretty at all. I should also state for the record: Arizona Jeans are shoddily crafted.

Sure, there are a ton of stereotypes floating around out there. Some stereotypes occasionally gain national prominence, sliding through a back-door loophole of celebritydom. They do absolutely nothing to deserve their financial windfall except, a) drink heavily, b) avoid all social responsibility by acting like retarded assholes, and, c) convince an entire generation of teens and tweens that it’s socially acceptable to fist pump and say “brah” at the start of every idiotic statement.

Scientists across the land, puzzled by this recent development, finally threw their hands up in confusion and disgust. They’d spent thousands of manhours trying to understand the inner-workings of this stereotype, and never quite got past the naming-it stage. This phenomenon is now known as the Jersey Shore Effect.

There are lesser-known stereotypes out there, to be sure, and it would require someone with a HELL of a lot more time on their hands than I to label them all. But there are a few that it pays to be aware of, or at least recognized for what they are.

1. Overtly Intellectual Guy Who Plays the Pretentiously “Wounded-Soul” Artist Card To Get Play From Idiot Girls Who Think He’s So Deep. YAWN, dude. No one wants to hear your stupid poems about your stupid father and how he ran out on you when you were 22 but you act like it was when you were 11.

2. Crazy Life of the Party Guy, But All I Really Do Is Imitate “Jackass,” Even Though the Show Expressly Warns Guys Like Me Not To Imitate It.

3. The Neo-Male Hippie, aka Jack Johnson Syndrome. This is the asshole who picks up YOUR guitar at a campfire and decides that, just cause he can move bar chords up and down the frets, he’ll slap out some idiotic rhythm and throw in some lyrics about giving up all his worldly possessions for one night under the stars. I’ve never wanted to “Pete Townsend” someone with a guitar so badly.

It’s fun to come up with your own stereotypes. You can even shoehorn yourself into a category. Myself, I prefer to be known as Guy Who Was HONESTLY Trying To Pull His Zipper Up and Not Masturbating Into a Urinal.”

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