America: Red, White and Awesome

by ANDREW CLINE
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Ben Franklin looks so terse and condescending on the hundred-dollar bill, like "You're spending me on WHAT?!"

There’s an old joke that goes along the lines of “What’s black and white and red all over?” and the answer is, “A sunburnt zebra.” Well, guess what? No. It’s not. Even if a zebra somehow miraculously were to get sunburnt, the red wouldn’t show through its fur. That joke’s a crock.

A more appropriate joke would be, “What’s red, white, blue, and awesome all over?” and the answer would be “America.” More comedians should start off with that joke and stop telling racy stories about their unholy bedroom antics. But really, no, that wouldn’t work, because it’s not a joke. It’s the undisputed truth. America is awesome.

America, according to a recent survey, is the oldest and best country on Earth, and we didn’t get that reputation just because we invented the lightbulb, fundamentalist Christianity and Pizza Hut. We got it because we’re awesome at everything.

Did you know that the first rainbow ever appeared in 1647 in Springfield, Mass.? And that Ben Franklin coined the term “kickin’ it” in a 1736 edition of Poor Richard’s Almanack? Simple truths like these are what separate this country from third-world nations like France and Canada, whose respective languages don’t even have a word for “freedom.” And that’s just sad.

So next time you ever hear that old joke, “What’s black and white and red all over?” just smile and say, “A sunburnt zebra. And America’s the greatest planet in the whole universe.”

2 Comments to “America: Red, White and Awesome”

  1. ‘Murica! Fuck Yeah!

  2. Stop getting your information from Texas textbooks and Wikipedia!

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