Daddy Lessons

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

"Yeah, yeah, I'm lickin' your balls..."

[EDITOR’S NOTE: On this Hallmark holiday that finishes a distant third to Valentine’s and Mother’s Day, the fathers on the WNF staff have united to share a few words of (mostly immature) wisdom to all the dads and expecting dads who might be reading. Which probably won’t be many, given that our readership demographic is 91% female since Friday’s “Shit Bags” post. Also, a couple of our contributors who don’t have kids felt the need to contribute anyway, proving they don’t pay a lick of attention to instruction. I’m just desperate enough for material that I’m using their jokes anyway. Happy Father’s Day, everyone! –AJH]

DADDY LESSONS

  • When the labels say “Keep out of reach of children,” remember your children will be able to reach about twice as far as you think they can.
  • Any time you change a diaper, you’re engaging in a delicate game of Russian Roulette. Maybe not this time, and maybe not next time, but one of these times, you’re gonna get smoked.
  • You will think your kids are awesome. You will think everyone else’s kids suck. This is how the other parents feel, too.
  • When potty training your toddler, you will have to juggle the actions of wiping your little one’s bum and preventing the dog from eating baby poop.
  • You thought getting obnoxious pop songs stuck in your head all day was bad? Well, getting an obnoxious kid’s song stuck in your head all day is ten times worse.
  • After so many punches, slaps, kicks and objects hit your nut sack, you will learn to naturally stand or sit with a hand over your crotch.
  • Ignore all those warnings about not letting your kid play with plastic bags. Kids love plastic bags. My toddler’s been playing with one in the other room, and I haven’t heard a peep out of him in two hours.
  • Christian schools are a whole lot different than public schools. At public school, if your kid draws a picture of a river of blood or a guy nailed to a cross, he’ll get hauled down to the guidance counselor’s office for a psychiatric evaluation. At Christian school, they’ll slap a gold star on it, hang it on the wall and call it art.
  • A headbutt to the bridge of the nose by a 2 year old will put you down faster than any fight you’ve ever been in. Prepare for a minimum 16-hour migraine immediately following.
  • You’ll claim it’s no big deal, but if your kids don’t give you a Father’s Day gift, you will be upset. Remember, nothing says, “I love you, dad,” like some shit your kid bought at Walmart the night before.
  • When your kid is in his or her late teenage years, there will be a DUI. There will be court-ordered alcohol treatment and fines. And that money you saved to build yourself a garage will be wiped out in an instant.
  • The phrase “pee pee on Spiderman” is always good for a giggle from your young child, but when you say it too much, you’ll start to have bizarre sex dreams about Tobey Maguire.
  • Make sure you have a dog before your baby graduates to solid food and for the first couple years after.
  • Every father wants to see his son grow up to become a man. At some point, your son will realize the best way to prove that is to kick your ass. He’ll train for three years to give you the most sensational Father’s Day ass beating in history. And, when you finally get out of the hospital, you’ll be so proud of him.
  • When you become a father, prepare to have your patience sorely tested every day for the rest of your life. And it only gets worse. That’s absolutely no joke. But the reward is a love-filled, three-dimensional existence you never could have experienced otherwise. That’s also no joke.

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, C.J. Dodd, Eric Dohman, Anne Gardner’s husband, Andrew Hicks and Woo

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