An Amazing New Product: Santorum Shit Bags

by ERIC DOHMAN and ANDREW HICKS
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

OAKLAND, CALIF. — The Clorox Company, parent corporation of Glad Trash Bags, is scheduled to launch a new specialty product line this week called Santorum Shit Bags.

The plastic Shit Bags, which resemble a four-gallon kitchen trash bag with holes, will be stocked in supermarkets and drugstores next to adult diapers. However, company execs are quick to point out that the Santorum Shit Bag is a completely new, innovative product.

“This is not a diaper, this is something that was pioneered by the indigent community. We thank them for their homeless, pantsless efforts,” said Clorox Corporation CEO Donald Knauss.

“Santorum,” a term coined by homosexual advice columnist Dan Savage and named after former arch-conservative Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), is the frothy combination of lube and feces that results from a sound session of anal sex.

Long the bane of hotel maids worldwide, the mess of santorum will be virtually eliminated by Santorum Shit Bags, according to product inventor Jacob Gayetty.

“Spontaneity is the key to a healthy sex life, and necessity is the mother of invention,” said Gayetty. “These two principles were never truer than the time I had some rockin’ anal sex in row Tweety 13 of the Six Flags Great Adventure parking lot. It was possibly the most voluminous case of santorum I’ve ever experienced, and all I had for cleanup was an Old Navy T-shirt bag. Those handles are convenient for carrying, but they make piss-poor leg holes.”

The next morning, Gayetty worked up his first set of rough schematics for the Shit Bag. Clorox CEO Knauss first overheard talk of the invention while washing his hands in a public park restroom.

“The men’s room sink in the public park doubles as your metaphorical workplace water cooler for men who enjoy anal sex on the go,” said Knauss. “These dudes couldn’t stop talking about this underground Shit Bag prototype that was exploding among park restroom frequenters.”

Knauss and Gayetty met privately for several hours to discuss specifics, then when they woke up the next morning, they had another private meeting that only lasted 15 minutes. By the end of the second meeting, a mutual agreement was reached, and Santorum Shit Bags entered the Clorox family.

“At first, I was reticent to market a product with a swear word in the name,” Knauss said. “Then I remembered hearing Unilever CEO Paul Polman tell me one time in the dry sauna that his number-one career regret was that he stopped his company from calling their most famous butter substitute I Can’t Believe It’s Not Fucking Butter. You only live once, you know?”

Sen. Santorum is reportedly too busy to appear in commercials for the new product, but according to his office, “Rick is proud of any Shit Bag that uses his name.”

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