Song Challenge 16: Most Irritating Kids’ Song

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

You know what makes you wiggle? Meth.

SARACAKES
The lyrics to “The Alphabet Song” are kinda lame.

JESSICA STIMSON
Barney‘s theme song: “I love you, you love me / Mommy’s gonna need some PCP.”

ALLISON STEIN
Everything by Barney sucks. Barney needs to die in a horrible, fiery car explosion after having his prostate examined by a doctor nicknamed Big Knuckles McGee.

J.MIZ
I think anything Barney needs to be mind-sucked from every generation that had to endure that Clockwork Orange-type shit! If I saw that as a kid, I’d be shitting my bed every night… Instead, there are other reasons.

ERTEL GRAY

I gotta go with that Fruit Salad” song by The Wiggles. Scratch that — anything ever recorded, uttered or even remotely associated with The Wiggles gets my vote.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I would say “The Potty Dance Song,” but I kinda burned it onto a CD, and I kinda listen to it like every day now.

ANNE GARDNER
The Cuppy Cake Song.” I don’t think I even need to explain why I hate it. Click the link. You’ll hate it too.

RYAN KRAUSE

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
‘s “Peanut Butter,” from their hit album Brother For Sale. The Olsen/ twins are so young in this song that they sound like a duo of metally handicapped adult ladies. Kinda funny how I would’ve loved to smother them both in peanut butter and lick it off when I was 18. (I can say that shit. Mary Kate and Ashley are the same age as me.)

ANDREW HICKS
I’d lick peanut butter off either Olsen twin or both simultaneously. (I can say that shit. I love peanut butter that much.)

J.MIZ

Any of those misogynistic, rapey, hostage-princess songs from Walt Disney. I ever spawn a daughter she won’t see any of those horrible “animated classics” or hear those songs until she’s married to a frog prince.

TONY FYLER
Now you see, most of you are Americans, so you’ll have been spared the vast majority of Brit-schmaltz over the years. “There’s No One Quite Like Grandma” by St. Winifred’s School Choir is a prime contender. You have to wait till the soloist starts to really get the nauseating tone.

EMILY TOOPS
Jesus Christ, Tony. I think your Brit-schmaltz just gave me juvenile diabetes. What the fuck was wrong with England in the ’80s? Children’s choirs on the “Top of the Pops”? Green duck puppets considered acceptable entertainment? Margaret Thatcher?!

WOO
“In the ’80s”? I think you can cut out that part of your statement.

Dora, do you ALWAYS have to scream your Spanglish?

J.MIZ
Dora the Explorer is irritating. Does she sing? Because all I ever hear Dora do is yell at me in an obvious outside voice! Bitch, I took six years of Spanish. Como se dice this!

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
At Lollapalooza last year, I learned there’s a new hot kid’s music band: The Verve Pipe. Yup, the band that wrote the worst song about abortion ever now plays kiddie tunes. No idea if the kid’s music is irritating, but since their “adult” (more like late-90’s tween) music is irritating, I’m assuming the kiddie music is too.

ANNE GARDNER
I also hate “Rockabye Baby.” What sicko sings this to their kids? “Sweet dreams, darlin’. You’re gonna die before you wake up.” Fucking. Terrifying.

EVE VENTRELLA
Just like “Ring Around the Rosie.” Little kids singing songs about AIDS lesions. Irritating.

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