This Week in J.Miz, Volume 5

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz-brand Shellack: Now available in Jewfro Strength!

MONDAY

Men who ask me out and have no notion of dating etiquette will be asking out a lot more girls.

Today, I start hiding people in my Facebook news feed. It’s like a modern day book burning of sorts.

There’s a group of dudes outside talking. I wish all those bros* would shut up and just let the South African dude talk. I don’t know what he’s saying, but it’s HOT!

*white meathead guys

My white friend just used the phrase “dip set” in a sentence. Correctly. #NapervilleIsGangster

SUNDAY

This Midwest humidity is fucking up my fabulous, so I invented a new product — Shellack: Anti-Humectant! Now available in Jewfro Strength.

I miss my Geo Prizm. #ShitINeverSay

My 4-year-old niece Azzy just asked why I’m not married and my apartment is so small. Mentally I kicked her in the chest, and it was satisfying.

Going out in public with my niece allows me to rock the I’m Just A Tired, Dissheveled Hippie Soccer Mom look. #ImReallyJustLazy

I’d rather wake up next to a one-night stand than my 4-year-old niece. They forget your name, she says it repeatedly. #INeedCoffee

SATURDAY

Biggest hurdle in life to date: Explain who Gilbert Gottfried is to a 4 year old.

Azzy just told us who the president is: “Obi Kabama.”

AZZY: Best day ever!
MOM: Do you remember the name of the restaurant?
AZZY: Pauline’s! (Olive Garden)

ME: You need to say, “I dont want no scrubs!”
AZZY: I dont even know what that is!
MOM: A guy who scrubs floors.
AZZY: I dont want none of that!

Guys get SO offended when I don’t tell them I’m in town. It’s not personal. I just really hate sleeping with you. So much, in fact, that I moved.

My ex-boyfriend was so obviously horrible at monogamy, he quit masturbating and started giving hand jobs to strangers.

FRIDAY

As a woman, I don’t mind having sex with a guy who just lays there, but only if he has Parkinson’s.

I can’t tell if this guy is hearing impaired or just horrible at picking up women.

Fun Times At A Government Building: Mexican baby with a hair cut that makes him look like an Aztec warrior, little Polish boy obsessed with my fly ass pedi, about seven white dudes in wife beaters, and me wondering how that black lady ended up with that little Indian baby. Biggest question: why didn’t I make an appointment?!

MY DAD: It looks like it won’t take as long to get there as we thought.
TRUE MEANING: We’re gonna be late.

THURSDAY

Gave myself a haircut and feel like a new man.

I like public bathrooms. Nobody asks a lot of questions.

My boyfriend is sweet, so he helps me write jokes. But he’s also also a Jew, so he charges me.

There are two things I hate doing by hand: Dishes and masturbating.

Anyone that suggests chamomile tea for my insomnia clearly doesn’t have any barbiturates.

"Back off bitch because I'm strugglin' / Just get on your knees and then start jugglin' / These muthafuckin nuts in your mouth / It's me, Brigham Young, the Mormon with the clout. Hooo!!!"

WEDNESDAY

Somewhere out there, a young lady is smoking a rock and dreaming of her very own crack home.

It really bothers my ex that I’m so close with his fiance. But these are modern times, and she is my mom!

All the recent inclement weather in the Midwest has made me realize they don’t show enough urination in movies.

I can hear my neighbors fucking. My shit sounds waaay better.

Even when I solicit myself, I still feel all dirty when I get attention. I need to handle that shit before my pimp does.

My computer shouldn’t warn me that I may be a victim of software counterfitting, it should congratulate me for being a beneficiary.

My neighbors’ shitty Wi-Fi connection is fucking with my fame.

“It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none.” -Brigham Young

TUESDAY

While making a treat for myself, I spilled powdered sugar in the kitchen. My cat Dwight pulled a straw from behind his ear, held it out and told me to, “Say hello to my little friend.”

I rented Sex in the City 2. Yeah, I know… but I’m gonna watch it in full-on Boba Fett getup.

ME: What’s up kid? You want some muthafuckin chicken?
DWIGHT: That’s wassup!

I wish my dealer would stop having me meet him at NA meetings.

Modern technology has made men stupid. If you text me or email me a photo of your penis, and my response starts with “LOL” or “HA,” do not do that again.

I will no longer to respond to dirty instant messages that start with anything other than a Paypal account number.

The other night, my boyfriend kept accusing me of having control issues. I kept asking him why he wouldn’t untie me.

Dwight has a fetish for conducting bathroom functions in tandem.

I recently told my boyfriend my fantasy about being a hooker. He was super cool about the whole — OOPS! Gotta go! Daddy’s calling!

%d bloggers like this: