Doesn’t Get Much Better Than That

edited by ANDREW HICKS

John Lennon: Followed Andrew's advice about wearing multiple sunglasses. Did not follow Andrew's advice about having a nice haircut. Got shot. Learned lesson.

You ever ask yourself, Hey, why don’t I get the ladies or have a cool laser guitar or other fabulous things? If you’re currently noting, Yes, I DO think that all the time, then congratulations. This essay is for you. If not, then think to yourself, Hey, why don’t I get the ladies or have a cool laser guitar or other fabulous things? then get back to me, because right now you’re wasting everyone’s time. Dummy.

Living a glamorous life like that of your regular ol’ garden-variety Andrew is a fairly simple process that I’mma let you in on right now. (WARNING: This process is not fairly simple and shouldn’t be executed unless you’re totally hardcore about committing to it). It can be accomplished via the following three steps:

1. Turn that frown upside down, or at least fake a smile. Being like your pal Andrew means always putting up a front of general contentment. This is best accomplished by wearing super-terrific smile all the dang time that exhumes confidence [EDITOR’S NOTE: I think you mean “exudes” confidence (AUTHOR’S NOTE: No, I don’t. Mind your own business.).] When people are under the false impression that you are always happy, even when you’re not, they will immediately become enraged and jealous and start contemplating their own inability to maintain your sense of gladness. Probably because of what happened at the lake in the summer of 1996. God, that was a rough year.

2. Say it with fashion. Why are you so boring? Why doesn’t anyone want to talk to you? It’s because you’re wearing a sweatshirt and pajama pants. Maybe not, but whatever you’re wearing is probably incredibly lame and sad. Do what Andrew does: put on a nice pair of jeans and a white T-shirt. On top of the T-shirt, wear a nice button-up shirt. On top of the button-up shirt, wear a nice sweater. Everyone loves a nice sweater. On your face, right above your confidence-exhuming smile, wear a pair of cool sunglasses. Everyone loves a guy wearing cool sunglasses. On the top of your dome, have a nice haircut. In your hair, right above the forehead, have another pair of nice sunglasses. Everyone will be all like, “Wow, how can that boy afford all those nice sunglasses? He must be sponsored by the manufacturer of those nice sunglasses makers because he’s so cool. Maybe if I buy him a Mr. Pibb, he will hang out with me, and I can show all my lady friends my new cool guy friend! Maybe I’ll even let him play my keytar…” See? You’re helping out other people and getting rewarded too. But it only works as long as you…

3. Keep it casual Hey, Mr. Uptight-about-going-to-the-mall-on-a-school-night-even-though-it-might-even-be-a-snow-day-tomorrow-anyway-but-you-don’t-want-to-risk-it-because-what-if-you-eat-too-much-pizza-in-the-food-court-and-get-all-wound-up-and-can’t-go-to-sleep-that-night-till-really-late-and-might-sleep-through-your-alarm-clock-in-the-morning-and-won’t-have-enough-time-to-eat-a-balanced-breakfast-thus-being-groggy-throughout-4th-period-because-that-happened-once-and-it-was-unpleasant: Stop being all like that. You know what the difference between you and Andrew is? Andrew will go to the mall anytime he wants. Andrew will eat all the pizza he wants. Andrew skips breakfast because he has a thing of granola bars in his locker so he can sleep in til eight and hop in the shower and jet across the street, getting to class a minute before the last bell sounds. That’s the difference. Just relax, yo. Opportunity is knocking. Those killer shoes might be on sale, but what if you don’t go to the mall to begin with? That cute girl at Hallmark might be totally down to date right now, but what if you don’t go in and smell the scented candles? You gotta take a chance. That’s what Andrew does every day.

Why go another day living a boring life at home, eating Cheez-Its® and watching the movie Shine starring Geoffrey Rush (also from 1996 — God, what a rough year) on TV when you could be out, being the object of other people’s desire, being rewarded with fantastic prizes and eating mad pizza all the time? That’s how my life is and how it will always be. It’s an easy way to be the best you can be, and for real, it doesn’t get much better than that.

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