Song Challenge 15: Most Shameless Song About Jailbait

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 15: MOST SHAMELESS SONG ABOUT JAILBAIT

Barney's "friends."

JAMES DRAPER
“I Love You, You Love Me,” by Barney the Dinosaur.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That dirty bastard Gary Puckett and his perv-o buddies the Union Gap confessed and harmonized their obsession with Young Girl. (“Young girl, get out of my mind / My love for you is way outta line / You’d better run, girl! / You’re much too young, girl!”) Seriously, that entire song is about a guy who’s popping a chubby over the neighborhood girl scout.

ANDREW HICKS
I get creeped-out chills when I hear Ringo congratulate that girl in the song on turning 16. I figure he’s had his eye on her for awhile.

J.MIZ
“Meet My Ex-Boyfriend,” by J.Miz.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Since he’s been found with child porn on his computer, deported from Cambodia for suspected statutory rape and convicted in Vietnam of statutory rape, it’s hard not to read meaning into some of Gary Glitter‘s supposedly innocuous lyrics. I think a good rule of thumb would be to assume any songwriter named Gary is a pedophile.

ANDREW HICKS
Googled G. Glitter. When he was convicted for his kid porn, the judge noted that his stash was “carefully, deliberately and enthusiastically done.” No joke necessary. This guy was clearly a connoisseur.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I am now going over the lyrics of Rascal Flatts songs to find evidence of the secret yearnings of high-voiced lead singer Gary LeVox.

J.MIZ
Jeff’s hate list: Ween. Aerosmith. The Eagles. Guys named Gary. Got it.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That list is by no means comprehensive. And Aerosmith was good up until 1980.

ANDREW HICKS
Jeff, last time you mentioned Aerosmith, you said they were good till ’77. Today you say ’80. In four months, you will celebrate their entire catalog.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Aerosmith only had one studio album come out between 1978 and 1982, so I figured I could give them a few years of playing the hits in concert before they started poisoning ears with cookie cutter bullshit. Incidentally, they did have a song called “Jailbait” on their ’82 release.

SARACAKES
How about Joan Jett, “I Love Rock and Roll”? She knew he must’ve been about 17.

Motley Crue: There's a reason the song is called "Girls Girls Girls" and not "Adult Women Adult Women Adult Women."WOO

WOO
Motley Crue,
“All in the Name Of” (“She’s only fifteen / She’s the reason, the reason that I can’t sleep / You say illegal / I say legal’s never been my scene”).

ANDREW HICKS
I guarantee you Motley Crue had at least one roadie named Gary in the ’80s. That’s connection enough.

WOO
ZZ Top, “Francine” (“My Francine just turned thirteen / She’s my angelic teenage queen”).

ANDREW HICKS
I guarantee you at least one of the ZZ Top guys’ beards is named Gary.

WOO
Eric Clapton, “Jailbait” (“Man, that little girl is fine / I’d like to take her for a ride”).

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
And yet it’s only the second worst song Eric Clapton has written about a child.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I vividly remember first hearing the Gary Puckett song during an episode of “Just the Ten of Us.” Coach Lubbock thought Connie was going away for the weekend with one of her teachers. He hopped in the car to go confront the teacher, and “Young Girl” was the song that popped up on the radio, further fueling his paranoia. “Just the Ten of Us” is the best show to spin off of “Growing Pains.”

R.I.P. Boner

WOO
Kirk Cameron was the worst thing to spin off “Growing Pains.” Although, there was the short-lived sitcom “Boner Does College.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Is it too soon for dead Boner jokes? I mean jokes specifically about the guy who played Boner being dead, not about J.Miz’s self-proclaimed ability to kill nerd-boy boners.

WOO
I don’t think the words “too soon” really apply in these parts.

J.MIZ
Dead boners need not apply to my parts.

RYAN KRAUSE
Fuck a song, how about an entire album by The Scorpions, aptly named Virgin Killer? The cover is a picture of a nude preteen girl. Went on Wikipedia and found out she was 10.

BUDDAH ESKEW
Wikipedia could have been my rapper name. Damn!

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