Coming Soon to WNF

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

First rule of fake coupons: Don't superimpose the word "FAKE" in huge blue letters. It's a dead giveaway.

We’re Not Funny recently completed its first six months of publication. That’s 150+ posts, 30+ contributors and, I dunno, a dozen scattered, polite laughs from our readership. Now that we’re established as an Internet comedy magazine to be reckoned with, it’s time to move onward and upward with new features to keep website visitors coming back again and again.

Here are just a few of the improvements you can expect from the second half of the first year of the WNF website.

  • Pre-Filled New York Times Crossword Puzzle. Scan in a sample of your handwriting, email it to us, and each day’s puzzle will arrive in PDF, already appearing to have been filled out in pen with absolutely no mistakes. Impress your family, friends and, actually, no one at all.
  • Fake coupons to your favorite stores and restaurants that look like the real thing. Have the shopping or dining experience of your life by whipping out “100% Off” and “Buy Zero, Get Six Free” coupons.
  • J.Miz‘s Pornographic Origami Cutout Corner.
  • Weather With Woo, 5-Day Forecast. (“Sunday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Monday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Tuesday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Wednesday — open your fucking window and see for yourself; Thursday — chance of rain.”)
  • WNF Personals, with profiles of over 5,000 “hot chicks” who are all secretly Buddah Eskew.
  • “Who the Freak is Ertel Gray: A 200-Part Editorial.”
  • Andrew Hicks combines his best jokes into the new column Obscure Pop Culture References No One Fucking Gets.
  • Lindsay Hartley’s Cat Conundrums. (“Hey Everyone, This Is A Daily Update On The Status Of My 1,500 Cats. Cats Are Very Funny To Watch and Take Pictures Of. You Will Laugh At All of My Cats! LOL! Lindsay.”)
  • Tag team autobiographical article “I’m Super-Raunchy and Hilarious, But Don’t Tell My Husband Or Any Church Folks,” by Ali Stein and Anne Gardner.
  • The Ryan Krause Show, Episode One: “Dude, Watch This Conspiracy Theory Video. Seriously, Watch It, Dude! Where’s My Weed?”
  • “Lawnmower In The Snow: Woo Don’t Do Shit,” by Mrs. Woo
  • “Ostracized: Why Woo Has No Friends That Truly Value Him,” by God
  • Buddah enjoyed every second he spent on the alien sexcraft.

    WNF staffers spot UFOs all day, every day. Our new daily UFO Sighting Report will report which member saw an alien spacecraft, what it looked like and how deeply the WNF staffer was anally penetrated by the very friendly otherworldly visitor.

  • WNF Behind the Jokes: Karaoke Night + Facebook Stalking = Immediate Content
  • Instruction Guide: “Write Novels Via One-Sentence Facebook Posts Every 3 Minutes,” by J.Miz.
  • “Anatomy Hour with Dr. Jessica Stimson.” Scientific jargon explaining the mystery of why all the male We’re Not Funny staffers have exceedingly above-average penis length.
  • Michelle Dee Restaurant Reviews: First up, TGIFriday’s frozen microwave Spinach Artichoke Dip consumed on her living room couch. (“Flavor is a 5, ambience a full 10.”)

CONTRIBUTERS: WOO, J.MIZ, LINDSAY HARTLEY and MICHELLE DEE

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